paradisalogs | Getting Away From It All [ Vanyel & Apollo

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Getting Away From It All [ Vanyel & Apollo - CLOSED ]

Who: Vanyel & Apollo
When: after the family plot
Where: by the lake
What: Vanyel and Apollo both want some time away from "family" and decide that going to the lake would be a lovely idea. Unfortunately, some uncomfortable questions come up
Warnings: THE FEELS, bro-mancing, maybe some romancing, idk

The lake side smelled nice - sweet and fresh. Vanyel breathed it in, glad for it, and without the added splashes and squeals of "family". As much as he had enjoyed that feeling, perhaps more than he had enjoyed time with his own family, it was nice to be away from it, to have a sense of quiet. More than that, he was glad to be back in his doe skin trews and his boots, back in his tunic. He had found jeans a bit restrictive - or at least, now he did, even if he did not at the time.

However, he was not alone. He was out again with his 'brother' - which was awkward to think of the other that way since they had made out rather passionately shortly after meeting in the barn. Yes it had been under the influence of faeries, but Vanyel had not... disliked it, by any means. Of course he had never brought it up again, what with the other being married.

The Herald reached into the saddle bags he had brought, bringing out two brown bottles and holding one out to his companion on the blanket they had brought to sit on the sand.

"Drink up."

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Apollo accepted the bottle and immediately pulled the cap off and took a long gulp. The latest world change hadn't been so bad, Apollo thought. No one had gotten hurt or traumatized as far as he knew, and that's all that mattered. Any lingering weird-ness between him and his "family members" would pass in time.

"I think that's your best idea yet, little brother." He added that last bit in a teasing voice. He couldn't resist messing with the other man.

As far as they knew, though Vanyel had to think some of those family relations left a few scars. At least the interactions. Apollo at the rummage sale had left something to be desired, with that horrid lamp. He could still see it in his mind's eye - burning.

He rolled his blue eyes at the other as he sat, poking at him with his bottle.

"Better than yours and that lamp," he returned. He gave as good as he got, after all.

He grimaced at that. Yeah he probably deserved that one; he had no idea what he was thinking. That was no his best moment at all. And he's had plenty of bad moments.

"Yeah, yeah, let's just blame it on the castle's influence and leave it at that. It's already to blame for everything else."

He laughed, nodding his head in agreement, willing to let it go. Because that lamp would give him nightmares too, if he wasn't careful. And he had enough nightmares as it was. But, he did have to wonder, who in their right mind would even make that thing anyways.... and then of course, wonder who would buy it. Oh, right. Apollo.

"Fair enough," he sipped, looking out at the surf, breathing deep. "Other than that, it wasn't to bad. I'll get over the trauma of it soon enough." He grinned at him to show he was teasing.

Apollo shoved Vanyel with his shoulder, looking indignant. It was false of course. He knew exactly what Van meant. Even if nothing terrible happened during the world change, they still had to face the fact that the castle dug into their minds and falsified their memories. Made them think they were related. He couldn't help but feel violated. Adding that to his general feelings about brain washing and how Bendix had erased all his memories before turning him into what he now was...and he realized just how angry he is about the whole thing.

"Let's hope everyone else is able to bounce back as quickly. It's a heavy thing, having your mind played with like that."

Vanyel nodded. He had the same feelings about it that his 'brother' did, which was just awkward thinking of him that way after the barn and some of the things he thought about his friend. And he did think them, though he had good sense and grace to keep it to himself. But knowing that, somehow, the Castle had routed around, planted things and twisted others... it felt so wrong. Though, honestly, he wished it had perhaps made the memories of Tylendel easier to bear, and a part of him was angry at it for putting him into a relationship with Clow. Not that he did not like Clow, but it was something he should have decided for himself. In all honesty, he thought the entire affair was a bit like raping most of the people at the castle, however innocent it might have been.

"Believe me.... I know," he said quietly, thinking back to things he had to learn when his own mind had been opened beyond any scope he had ever imagined it could be, when the dark wizards he had faced had tried to drag their slimy influence across it. "It could have done much worse though. We should count our lucky stars."

'Lucky stars', right. Apollo knew it could have been worse, hell, he's seen the castle do worse. And he's definitely seen and experienced things way worse back home. But there was something about this that just didn't sit right with him. And he knew it was probably because the castle took away his memories of Midnighter and Jenny. Losing the ability to fly is one thing, but to loose them-the last thing he had where they were related-was going too far. The castle might as well have taken an arm or a leg.

"I guess that depends on what you think is worse. Have you ever had your memories wiped clean? To the point where you can't remember your own name or your mother's face? I have, and that's kind of what it felt like, only...in reverse almost. Like I suddenly had so many memories, but none of them felt right."

Vanyel frowned, hearing that, and he shivered. He had never had that done to him, though at times he wished he had. There had been so much pain in his life, he sometimes wondered, under the blanket of stars at night, if forgetting it all would spare his soul the pain of it all. But then he would lose the memories, the one good summer of memories of Tylendel and that... that he could not bear.

He nodded at him though, understanding. "I have to admit, I didn't mind the ones about 'mother' and our 'aunts'," he said quietly. "I almost wish my actual family had been like that." Caring, accepting. Except for his sister and aunt, it had taken years for his family to accept him, to stop seeing him as some perverted deviant. For Haven's sake, his own nephew had thought he would demand sex in exchange for teaching him music! The idea of being raised with care and love and full acceptance was one he did not mind, however untrue it was.

"But... but you're right. Having them messed with... it's almost like rape."

For Apollo it had been strange being in a family. Family to him was his husband and daughter and his teammates. Sure, some of the time they can't stand to be in the same room together, and they weren't related by blood, but they were there for each other when it counted. But having a mother, or father or brother? It had felt completely foreign despite his mind telling him this was normal.

"Mind rape, never as fun as it sounds." He takes another drink from the bottle and puts it down in between them. "You know, Midnighter and I used to wonder about what kind of families we had. It wasn't even something we'd take serious, it was just a game to pass the time. I guess we just never felt the need to find one because we already had each other."

"I sort of envy that," Vanyel admitted, taking his own drink and watching the surf, his eyes somewhere far away for a moment, and not like he was talking to Yfandes.

"I know my family, and it.. hurts, knowing precisely what they think of me, and what it's taken to change their opinion of me," he said quietly. "My father especially. The only people I actually really liked out of my family were my sister and my aunt, and my aunt only began to like me once I was forced to go to Haven with her." He shrugged. "Maybe it would have been better to be like you and Midnighter, to have to wonder instead of know and feel only a sense of.... disappointment."

Which was half true and half not. The relationship had been getting better, but his relationship with his family would never be what it should have been, what it could have been. So many years of pain and feelings of betrayal were not easy to erase.

Suddenly he felt sort of bad for making it seem like he didn't care. It was just that he'd never had a chance to really feel anything for the missing space in his memories. He'd been constantly jumping from one mission to another and then he had Midnighter and he'd never expected to actually find his family anyways. And what if he did and they were a disappointment? It just felt safer to never go down that road. Midnighter was the one with all the questions; Apollo had learned to live with what he had.

"I think it's always better to know. If I could go back and do it differently...I think I'd like to know what my family was like. But it's just not an option for me. Even if they were awful, I'd know that I eventually get something better. I mean, at least you have your sister and your aunt. Would you really give them up just because the rest of your family is crap?"

He shook his head. "No, I would never give them up. I love Lisa and Savil...." he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I guess you really can't pick and choose, and I do love my mother, even if she's... well, she's interesting. And my brothers were never so bad. I think it's mostly my father." He laughed humorlessly and leaned against his friend. "Father issues, isn't that what they say?"

Another sip of his beer, taking comfort in the thick, solid presence of Apollo next to him, the smell of him. Apollo was probably his closest friend here in Paradisa, and he treasured that. He had few enough left at home.

"Yeah...something like that." All this talk of family was just making him think of his own and how much he missed them. He'd never admit it, but in a way the world change had been a relief. Since Midnighter left he'd spent most of his time trying not to think about them, and when his memories were changed...he didn't have to. But he kept shoving those thoughts down with the thoughts of home, because they didn't do him any good.

He racked his brain for a change in topic and something from one of their previous conversations got him curious. "So, who is Tylendel? You mentioned him during the world change. I don't know, he just seemed to be more than a made up memory."

The mention of Tylendel, even after all these years, set his heart to clenching. Clenching tight like he wanted to curl up and just cry. He had not cried for him in a long time though. He had no more tears to shed on that, though it would forever be a scar on his soul, a wound that would never quite heal. How could it?

"He.... he was..." he said, struggling to explain this, to talk about it. "There is a special gift few ever receive - it is called a life bond. It is like meeting the other half of our soul. You can feel the other's pain, his love, his sorrows." Another breath, a drink of liquid courage. "He was the man who made me realize I liked men in a romantic way, my first time.... my first everything."

He paused, looking out into the water. It had been, some time ago, he could barely talk about it. But he felt that, perhaps, if Apollo had a slight memory of him, he should know. If someone else knew...

"And then, a few months after meeting him, bonding with him... he ended up committing suicide. He leapt from the old church where the Bell is... " He sucked in a breath, trying to control himself, trying not to remember the horrid sight of Tylendel plunging, of Tylendel dead and broken on the grass. At least he kept the horrid reasons behind it from Apollo. He would not tarnish Tylendel that way, ever. "He is also the reason I became what I am."

And so much more. Tylendel had been everything to him, and he had been torn from him so soon. The ache would never be gone, the hole in his heart never filled.

Apollo was silent for a long time after Van's admission. He didn't know what to say after something like that. People tended to look at him and see the care taker of his group. The one everyone goes to to talk about their problems and be comforted. And in a way, that's what he did. But his way of comforting was more of a 'you've fallen off the horse and have to get back on' way of thinking. Somehow he didn't think that would work for Van.

So he finally slings an arm across the other man's shoulders and pulls him close. "I'm sorry."

Surprisingly, he found that arm comforting rather than trying to shrug it off. Once he might not have, but in the years since he had come to accept and appreciate the understanding and caring in those gestures.

He leaned heavily against Apollo, the admission having seemed to take everything out of him, and he needed the other's breadth to support himself.

"I tried to kill myself twice, after his death," he admitted quietly, remembering the horrid things he had heard with his untrained powers, the guilt, the soul crushing emptiness.

His grip on Van's shoulder tightened for a moment before easing up. A part of him wanted to lecture him about suicide not being an answer, but than again, who was he to lecture him? He didn't know the kind of pain Van was dealing with. So instead he just sighed.

"What stopped you?" He thought about finishing that sentence with 'from dying' but instead left it hanging. But whatever or whoever it was had his gratitude.

"Yfandes," he said. "She would alert my aunt or other care takers at the time and they would find me before I could... bleed out." His favorite method, it seemed, had been slitting his wrists. Often, he had done it without thinking, in a pained daze, his whole being hurting - body and soul. "That, or I projected everything. My Gifts came alive at that time, literally blown open inside of me, and it... it hurt so much Apollo."

He rubbed at his eyes, not wanting to cry in front of his friend, but it was difficult not to, revisiting these things, the horrid, terrible pain of those days. They seemed so far away and yet so close.

"I was sixteen.." he added quietly, because a teenager was so ill equipped for all of that, much less the adult he was now, and now that he was talking about it, he couldn't make himself stop, pressing more into the warm comfort of the super hero.

He winced internally. He might not remember what it felt like to be sixteen, but he knew enough to know that they are ill prepared for any kind of huge responsibilities and to be dealing with loss on top of that. Yeah, Van wins the 'life is crap sometimes' contest hands down. Not that he would ever say that out loud. And especially not right now.

"I'm sorry." And he really was. But mostly he was sorry he couldn't think of anything else to say. Instead he silently handed his bottle to Van.

He shook his head at the bottle, though he had finished his own. Right now all he needed was the other's understanding and the warmth of him, that physical touch that told him he was not alone, that someone knew and someone understood, in some way, the pain. He found that easier than thinking on it as he lay alone at night, in a cold bed.

"It's in the past," he said softly. "I've come to terms with it, but... you never quite get over it." He shrugged his shoulders and simply sagged against Apollo, as if everything was taken out of him in the telling.

Apollo could understand that. He's been through his share of horrors, and while he seems resilient, like everything just rolls off his back, he has his share of demons to work through. The good thing is time makes the pain easier to deal with.

"No, you don't. But sometimes, if you're lucky, you can find something to make it all worth it again." He had after all.

He nodded. He had filled the hole with Savil, his friends, Lisa, Yfandes. It was not quite the same, but it was something. And soon enough, he was sure, he would make that ultimate sacrifice and join his beloved. It was not that he wanted to die, only that he had the feeling that, as things kept going, his time was coming closer. A nagging, in the back of his mind, you could say.

He was quite for a time, simply watching the surf again and leaning against Apollo.

"That's why I was worried, when I heard Midnighter was gone," he murmured. "I didn't want you to have to face that alone."

He snorted at that and nudged Van with his shoulder. Yeah, he was upset when he discovered his husband gone, but not to that extent. Before coming to Paradisa he hadn't seen Midnighter in three years, when their team fell apart. He was capable of living without his husband. He'd just never had to do it without his daughter.

"I appreciate it, but I would would have been fine. Midnighter and I have had our share of separation before."

"Still, it's hard, and..." he shrugged, offering him a little smile and taking his hand, squeezing like he had when he had gone to see Apollo when it first happened. "Thank you, for being here for me."

Apollo gave his hand a squeeze in return and then turned his attention towards the lake. What they needed was something to diffuse the tension. They've had enough heart-to-heart conversations to last for awhile in his opinion.

"You want to go for swim?"

He blinked at the man and then laughed, reaching down to start tugging off his boots.

"All right," he smiled, finding the sudden change welcome and the idea even more so. It was a warm summer's day and a dip would not be unpleasant in the least.

He rose up, tugging off his tunic, revealing a body littered with scars. Whatever life Vanyel led, it was not an easy one, more than one of those scars in places that suggested he could have easily died.

Apollo stood up with him, pulling his shirt off over his head. If he noticed the severity of Van's scars, he didn't comment on them. His body had it's own deal of scars, most of them fully healed and light in color.

Without any warning, he took off running into the lake, giving Vanyel a bit of a nudge as he passed.

"Hey!" the other man laughed, tugging off his doe-skin trews (which would ruin if wet like in a lake), running forward in his knee-length underthings.

A yelp left him as a he hit the cold surf, diving forward and coming up with a new laugh as he soaked in the cool temperature, looking about for Apollo.

Apollo had dove underwater as soon as he was deep enough and lay in wait. As soon as Vanyel swam out far enough, Apollo circled his legs and then came up for air right next to him.

Vanyle jerked in surprise when the other popped up and laughed, tossing water at him, but did not move away as he tread water, toes barely brushing the sand beneath his toes.

"Scare a man to death!" he said through chuckles.

He gave as good as he got, pushing wave upon wave at Vanyel.

"That was the plan!"

The last of the waves hit and Vanyel grinned, dropping down into the water and out of sight. He reached out, grabbing the other's ankles and tugging playfully, his black hair floating about him wildly, having come loose from its tail.

Apollo allowed himself to be pulled underwater, but only long enough to grab hold of Van's wrists and use them to push him further under while he rose back out of the water.

Oh no you don't! Vanyel grinned, catching the other man's ankle again and tugging down even as he surged up, his eyes bright beneath the water as he slid past the other man.

He came up to the surface a few moments later, laughing. "Okay, okay, I give!"

"What? So soon?" he laughed, shaking his head as he floated closer to him, his hair smoothed back and floating around him as he treaded.

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Getting Away From It All [ Vanyel & Apollo - CLOSED ]

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