paradisalogs | [closed]

Entry tags:

[closed]

Who:

wastheexample
What: Medicating with Jack Daniels
When: This evening
Where: The Lux
Rating: R for language, dark themes

Misery loves company.

So, after spending an unintentional week in isolation after her talk with Carolina, South left a brief filter for Haymitch in the journals, You. Me. Lux. Now., and headed down to the lounge to wait for him.

After finally coming to terms with the news she'd received, she'd fallen into a numb state, and now just the thought of being next to another person was comforting in a way she wasn't prepared to admit. Of the teammates who either shunned her or who she had shunned, and of the people that she'd randomly met since she'd arrived, Haymitch was the only one that sprang to mind when she couldn't stand to be alone any longer.

When he arrives, she'll be leaning her arms across the bar and resting her chin against them, staring into the bubbles trapped in the ice in her glass.

Believe it or not, she's already set a second drink aside for him.

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Haymitch would be the first to admit he wasn't a people person. He didn't care if they were upset or hurt. If they wanted a shoulder to cry on they could just skip of to someone who gave a damn.

But while that was true for most people, it wasn't strictly true across the board. What he didn't mention was that he didn't want to care. After all, the Capitol has instilled in him pretty young what happened to the people he cared about, and that was a lesson you never forgot. For the very, very small few who slipped through the first few defences he had, the ones who got as close as he would allow anyone...he found he did care.

Sure, he was unwilling to show it, and as he headed into the Lux, he looked as bored and uncaring as ever. To his internal horror, however, he found himself the smallest bit concerned as to what was bugging South. After all, she was an actual bearable human being to be around. One of the few he'd encountered in his lifetime. He paused at the door, giving her a scrutinizing glance.

Yeah. Something was clearly wrong. He wasn't going to outright ask though. If she wanted to talk, he'd listen, but otherwise, well. Who knew better than him how to hide their feelings in a bottle? He wouldn't deny her the chance to do that.

"Aw look, you even got me a drink in, I'm touched," he said wryly, taking a seat beside her.

South would be the first to declare she didn't need anyone, but after a week of dealing with twins herself and being constanltly reminded of that part of her that was missing, she'd come to realize she did need North, at least that she didn't know what to do without him. And now -- after finding out his future, and her part in it, she didn't know what she'd do if he did show up.

Having someone like Haymitch to fall back on, who didn't ask questions or order her around, who didn't know and didn't care about the complicated interpersonal relaionships of the other Freelancers, was refreshing. He wasn't North, but he was here, and she didn't have to admit anything.

"Don't get used to it; this is a special occassion" She replies darkly, giving his glass a nudge towards him.

The annoyance of his loss dealt with he took the glass and took a deep drink, readying himself for a night of good drinking. He had a feeling it was going to be one of those nights. He supposed it was better than doing it alone with his demons.

"Did I miss your birthday or something?"

His tone was dry, even if it was the case...well. Birthdays weren't something really celebrated in Panem. Before Reaping age, they were one step closer to the time when you could be dragged into the Games, and after? After was one step closer to watching your own children do the same thing.

South takes a drink and considers her own glass. The mention of birthdays gets a small frown, mixed emotions, shared parties which she hated but now, no more North. What would it be like to celebrate it alone? Maybe she'd just skip it this year.

"Nah. It's a wake." She sets her glass down and idly pushes it around. "Got some news about the future on my own world., felt the need to --" to what? She'd done plenty of grieving by herself this past week, what was one more night of drinking? Except, yeah, some small part of her needed to share it. She didn't know what exactly happened to make her go against North, but it was important now that someone else see her grieve, to prove to them,to herself, she wasn't that person yet. That she hoped she never would be. "-- I don't know, have a moment or something."

He watched her a moment,judging her movements quietly. He could understand that. Finnick brought only depressing news from the 'future'. Sometimes he wishes it had stayed there, but an advantage was an advantage, however upsetting.

"I can get that," he said, taking another sip. "It's not the most fun in the world, finding out how things are going turn out in your life."

"Yeah, 'fun' is definitely not how I would describe it." Screaming obscenities and accusations at her superior, throwing a wild punch because she just couldn't think anymore, nope. Not anything she'd want to repeat.

"You know, I had to beg them to tell me? I don't know if they would have otherwise. She said she was 'going to', but I doubt that." She leaned back in her seat, tipping her glass slightly and looking at how much was left. "I'm glad I know, though."

Her tone was softer and more vulnerable then she would have liked, and she downed the rest and distracted herself by waving down the bartender for another. In fact, she asks him to leave the whole bottle. They'll need it.

Haymitch scoffed at that. He knew, he KNEW Finnick was keeping things from him, something not even the younger man wanted to face. He knew he couldn't push the kid into speaking, but it was still frustrating.

Still, he couldn't really talk, he kept plenty from Katniss and Peeta, in his attempts to keep them alive.

"Did they give you a reason for taking so long to eventually tell you?"

South leans back and tips her head at him, her tone mocking and dripping with sarcasm. There is no doubt how she feels about this explanation.

"Said she was waiting for me to get 'settled' here. Settled." She shakes her head and goes back to her drink. "Hasn't happened yet and I'm beginning to doubt it ever will. Kids, random ... HomeEc classes, returning teammates, if it's not one thing it's a slew of others."

Haymitch rolled his eyes, taking a deep swig of his glass finishing it off and putting it down on the table.

"Settled? Like you're supposed to settle in this hellhole? I'd be worried if you were even thinking about that, let alone waiting for it to damn well happen."

"I know, right? Any moments of peace we've gotten haven't nearly been enough time to relax, and knowing shit like that is possible at any moment? There's no freaking way. If it were up to her, I'd probably still be in the dark."

Although now that she thinks about it, Carolina had come to her ... but only after South had pestered nearly everyone else, as well as gotten Wyoming's word on the AIs. No, Carolina herself had admitted she wanted to wait to tell South. "I mean, who -- who wouldn't want to know? He was my brother."

That ... hadn't com out like she'd intended. The alcohol was loosening her just enough that it slipped out quietly on the tail of another thought, and she focuses in on her drink, cradling it in both hands and hunching in on herself. Maybe if she ignored it Haymitch would too.

"That's people for you, they do it to keep an upper hand," he shrugged. "Least, that's why I do it."

Haymitch frowned, watching her for a moment. Oh. That stirred some uncomfortable feelings of his own. He stared at his empty glass, before letting out a long suffering sigh. He knew he'd regret this. He didn't even really know WHY he wanted to comfort her. It was the same horrible feeling he got whenever he felt the need to comfort Peeta or Katniss. It harkened back to earlier days of his life. The feeling of family, not that he'd openly call it as much.

"I had a brother."

"Everybody's got an agenda."

Herself included, apparently, if what Carolina had said about her future were true. How could she change that, like Carolina said? How could she prevent being used like that?

Haymitch's comment gets her to cant her head, tilting slightly toward him if not looking directly at him. She catches the past tense of it, and lets it sink in for a moment. Maybe he'd know better then Carolina just how tough this was for her, even if it wasn't a twin, even if -- he wasn't responsible.

She pours them both another drink, so she has something to look at when she continues, softly, edge on her words. "Yeah? And was it your fault he died?"

"It's how anyone survives the world"

He waits for the drink to be handed to him, taking a deep drink of it before speaking again. It was one of those things he never spoke of, largely at home it was dangerous to speak about, to point the fingers at their gracious rulers, show them for what they truly were. Even amongst his fellow Victors, those he was closest to, only a few of those knew the details.

"Yeah. It was," he said at last. "The Capitol didn't like how I won my Games, so they decided to slaughter everyone I cared about to send me a message."

She listens quietly, still holding her drink and staring at it. He had a way of putting the horrors of her world in perspective that no one else had, and she's respectfully silent for a moment while she thinks about it. Killed to send a message was the sort of thing the Insurrectionists on her own world did. She gives a stiff nod, takes a drink, and responds with a tight, tense voice.

"Apparently we were an experiment. The Director -- The Director of our program wanted to see if he could turn me against my twin." She swallows, white-knuckled as she grips her glass. It'd been a week of reconciling herself with this news and it still made her angry and sick. "He ... succeeded."

He had a habit of doing that with most people. Nothing like living in a dystopian future to put everyone else's lives into perspective. Still, he listened, and frowned. That would be something the Capitol did. Anything to raise their beloved ratings, keep the people enthralled. Keep them placid.

"So they played you, made you a pawn in their little game?" he scowled. "People like that will do anything to get what they want, and fuck the consequences of their actions."

She nods emphatically. That's right that's so right. Stupid Director and his stupid AIs and his stupid experiments. "You know, when we first met? You know I got shot when I came here, right? It's because of what I do later, because of that experiment."

So the Director's experiment effected her in a pocket dimension years before she actually did anything. She takes a deep breath and lets it out in a huff before throwing back the rest of her drink and pouring them both another. Was he not finished yet? Oh well he's getting topped off.

"So ... my ... so, she--" South was suddenly aware that she didn't really know what to call Carolina anymore. The separation of a week has helped, but the niggling details of time and intention kept getting in the way. The alcohol wasn't helping. "Carolina, the -- she's number two. She suggested we might be able to change fate if we're sent back. Do you think it's possible?

"Sounds about right. Least you got here in one piece, something to be grateful for."

This is one of the many reasons he hangs out with her. He makes a gruff noise as a thank you and takes a deep drink.

"I think you can change anything with a good plan. Make sure you know what you're doing, lay a good foundation and get as many answers as you can. Don't just rush in blindly, and yeah. I think you can change fate," after all, it was what he was doing back home. "Screw them, if they think they can tell you how your life is going to go."

"Yeah, barely." She broods over her drink for a moment.

"You think it's possible?" She sounds a little dubious, still, and of course rushing in blindly was something she'd done before without really thinking. "Getting answers has been near impossible with my group."

"If I didn't, I've made a grievous error back home and will probably die horribly for it," replied Haymitch, finishing off his drink. "Eventually, answers or no, you get to a point where you can't take it any more and you have to stand up against the lot of them."

"Yeah that's ... not going to work." Considering the only one here worse then her was the one who shot her on sight, she's not too eager to really piss off the entire group as a whole. "I'm kind of--" She doesn't want to say it. Doesn't want to admit it. "--low man on the totem pole. Confrontation wouldn't really turn out in my favor."

As she's recently discovered.

"Oh," Haymitch frowns a little.

Of course, he's always been rather high on his own totem pole. He gave the appearance of someone dredging the bottom, when he was the one pulling the strings, playing the chess pieces, pushing the game the way he wanted it. Just like the Gamemakers did to him, he was giving them a taste of their own medicine, and half the time they didn't even realise it.

Until now. Now he'd have to deal with a whole new set of players, and he had a feeling he wouldn't quite be in his cherished top spot for much longer.

"Then outsmart them."

South lays her arms against the bar and sets her chin on them, like she was at the beginning, tipping slightly to look up at Haymitch. "Is it really worth it, though? I mean, I already got the important stuff. I'm not sure there's anything else I want to know."

Like, whether or not North went crazy before she manipulated his death, or what happened to her after the fact. She knew the existence of the AIs now, that two of them were in teh castle, and though she hadn't met Delta -- who was the reason she shot Wash, apparently -- Gary was sort of an insufferable prick.

Haymitch's face fell into a heavy frown. He'd been given everything, after they'd taken his family away. His home in the Victor's Village, a life of luxury, never having to work, worry where his next meal was coming from. For a kid from the Seam, it was unheard of, something they didn't even dare dream of.

"You won't have your freedom."

"Not like it's all it's cracked up to be." South mutters. Yeah, freedom had been what she'd been fighting for, in a sense, but it just wasn't the same without North.

"No, it probably wouldn't be," Haymitch sighed, turning his glass this way and that, watching how the light reflected in it. "But it's better than having no freedom at all."

South doesn't answer for the longest time, staring into her glass and thinking on Haymitch's words, thinking back to her world, the ranking board, how things were before she came here, before she found out. She'd been angry at the world then, but now she was just confused and lost. She frowns.

"Is it ... ?"

Haymitch's own frown deepens. Of course, he hasn't experienced true freedom yet, and he knows he won't for a while, if he even makes it through the Rebellion at all. After all, he's not as young as he used to be and war...well, it was very much a young person's game.

"It has to be."

"Does it." South almost whispers, still managing to sound unconvinced. She finished up her glass and moves to pour another, but hesitates as she wraps her hand around the bottle, a sudden clear thought barging its way though the alcoholic haze. "What's freedom if you don't know what to do with it?

It had been something he'd thought of too. If they beat the Capitol...what then? For generations the people of Panem had lived in subjugation, would any of them really know how to handle the freedom suddenly given to them?

"It's something you can work on, from the ground up. It's terrifying, and you don't know what's around the next corner, but it's yours"

And he pretty much just worded what's been on her mind. It has been terrifying, in its own little way, trying to exist without North. Instead of pouring another drink she pushes her glass and the bottle out of the way and just rests her head against bar, talking muffled into the counter somewhat pathetically.

"I don't know who I am." Yup, the alcohol was really starting to take effect now.

Haymitch watched her for a moment, before shrugging, hunching his shoulders a little as he stared at the table-top.

"If you can show me one person who does know who they are, utterly and completely, I'll show you a liar."

South peeks up at Haymitch. Carolina certainly acted like she knew who she was. York and Wyoming seemd pretty confident -- no one acted outwardly like South felt inside. Even Haymitch seemed, to her, to have it more together.

"Even you?"

"Especially me," Haymitch frowned, staring at the woodgrain as if all the answers of the universe were hidden there. "Most of who I knew I was got lost in that Arena."

She watches him quietly. That arena was really starting to sound much more frightening then anything she could even begin to imagine.

"That's a long time to be lost." She muses, trying to imagine going through that for herself.

He could tell her things about his Arena that would give her nightmares for life. After all, the Capitol sure did want to make Quarter Quells the most interesting of all. They were a big deal.

"Yeah, It is," he admits quietly. "You give up on getting found again, eventually."

She stares at the bottle, wondering if she'd ever be found or if she was destined to this feeling of conflict without resolution for the rest of her life.

"So I should ... stop looking?" She sounds unsure, abot what sort of answer she's expecting, or really even just what she means by it. She's frowning intently at the bottle label, as if trying to fiure out he mysteries of the universe through whiskey content.

"I don't know, maybe you still have some hope left in you," Haymitch shrugged. "Just because I gave up, doesn't mean everyone else should."

"Maybe. Guess I'll keep looking." She doesn't sound too enthused about it at this point. It's been a long week for her.

"Then more luck to you," Haymitch replied with something like a smile. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

He surprised himself that he sincerely did hope she found what she was looking for. That was rare.

"Hopefully I'll know it if I find it." South rubs her hands over her face and sighs. She still ached, from the lingering hurt and mental exhaustion, but it was good to get out and get talking like this.

She stills her movements for a moment, just thinking about North, and then adds quietly, "Thanks for -- you know. It's no fun to drink alone."

Haymitch was silent for a moment, before giving a small nod.

"It's okay. Sometimes we all need a little company, once in a while."

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