If there is to be reconciliation

[lord_wizard]

Who: Felix and Gideon
What: A discussion
When: The night the expedition returned
Where: Chimera HQ
Rating: PG-ish?

Felix had lived in Paradisa long enough to know that anything was possible, no matter how absurd, remote, or terrible it may have been. Gideon's arrival was at least one of those things - something he'd once remotely considered as a possibility and chose at some point to no longer entertain. Because why? He had been comfortable? Happy, even, with Ashura. With his life here. And now it was all starting to be swept out from underneath him.

The absolute worst part wasn't that it was was painful and inconvenient to have to look at Gideon again after he'd mourned his former lover and attempted to move on, even knowing that all the pain the man endured was on his shoulders, but that doing so brought the sharp realization that he had not, in fact, moved on at all. It could have been that such a feat was out of the hands of any mortal. Without conscious effort, Gideon had settled into his life and become a piece of it, barbs and all. And when it had gone he'd lost that piece. Ashura, however, was not a replacement for that hole, in any sense. So now he was a man divided.

While Gideon's death had left it's own mark on him, he knew that he assuredly had left his own share of wounds on the other man - things which he had no way of apologizing or making amends for, if such a feat were possible. At least until now. Missteps aside, he had been trying, for years, to somehow do better. To make up his mistakes and be someone worthwhile. He'd vowed it to Ashura, but he owed it to Gideon. Assuming that Gideon would be willing to listen.

He paced for a time in the lobby, waiting for Gideon to arrive, until finally giving up and going out to stand on the balcony, back tense as he stared down at the lights of the town, not unlike his old habit, though the City Royale could never quite match Mélusine in that regard. It was something to focus on for the time being.

Comments

[thraxios]

Gideon can't bring himself to smile back, not even half-heartedly. An offer of friendship is the least of what he wants--but it's what he can have. And he has plenty of experience with admiring Felix from afar. Perhaps it's a role that one can slip back into, given time and effort. (He doubts it, certainly, but he certainly has the time to try.)

I would like to count you as a friend, if you will let me. He's tempted to write out what he really wants, but it would be a petty gesture, and an unnecessary one. If Felix cannot guess at his thoughts on the matter, Gideon will be surprised. But I hope you'll forgive me if I cannot do the same for your lover.

[lord_wizard]

"I always did," he said, which contained nearly the same amount of certainty that Gideon's earlier declaration had, but it was true enough. Even before Mildmay, Gideon was the only one that was truly on his side

He can't blame Gideon for it, especially knowing how prickly his former had been around Isaac even before he fulfilled that prophecy, though it hurts a little despite that.

Felix stared at his hands a moment. "You know, I once told him I thought you two would get along." He wasn't sure why it was important for Gideon to know that. It was maybe a less direct method of wishing maybe they would, if only to make his life less complicated, but he would not insist on it. And it was true that there was many ways the two were possessed of similar personalities.

[thraxios]

Gideon is still for some time, the stylus faltering over the tablet. The idea that Ashura might otherwise be reasonably pleasant to spend time with doesn't help much, in truth, much as it might comfort Felix. Perhaps they are similar, he thinks; perhaps someday Gideon will be able to muster up something other than barest civility. But everything is still so fresh for him that the idea is like salt in a wound.

I suppose I should be honoured you've replaced me with someone I'd like. He gives the words a wry-mouthed look and shakes his head. I can't pretend I'm not a jealous man, Felix. Even for you. Getting along with Felix--as nothing more than a friend--is the best he can do.

[lord_wizard]

Felix flinches visibly at the response. He isn't sure what he wants or what is ideal, but has no desire to cause a feud amongst his social circle. The idea of Gideon of being nothing but a part of that causes him a feeling of emptiness that he isn't sure can be remedied except by opening up another one elsewhere.

"Fair enough," he says, though he's swallowing around a bitter lump of emotion that seems to say it isn't. Not by a long margin.

[thraxios]

Getting in a strike like that is a hollow victory after Felix cringes back from him, but it was hard to resist in the moment. He's not sure how to say give me time to Felix--those words are vulnerable in their present form--but it's what he wants. More than a fortnight to consider his death, his apparent resurrection, his lover's new lover. In time, perhaps things will be different, but for now, it's all too raw for him.

He dares give Felix another glance and, seeing the look on his face, reaches for his hand. It's part instinct, part active desire to offer some comfort--some safe comfort--as a silent apology for what he's just said.

[lord_wizard]

It's hard to reconcile in his mind, that difference in time. Hard not to act as if it were ancient history for both of them, and he'll need to time as much as Gideon does to recognize that. He reminds himself he's selfish and the barb isn't entirely undeserved.

Still, he takes the hand, an action as much instinct to him as it is to Gideon. Something not too long forgotten (and again, more for Gideon than for himself). And because he's selfish he wraps both his hands around it, holding it tight, desperate for this little memento of the past. He touches his lips to his own fingers, as close as he can come - a safe enough gesture at the moment for the both of them.

And that's when his calm cracks open. Just enough to let out a shuttering half-sob, a few tears falling onto his own knuckles.

[thraxios]

Gideon squeezes Felix's hand, longing to draw him close and let him rest his head on his shoulder, let him weep all he wants. But for Gideon, there's too great an offer of intimacy in enveloping the man in his arms; he knows his own limits, and that's past it.

He savours the sensation of Felix's hands covering his, knowing with only a twinge of shame that it's a memory he'll revisit again when he's alone, lying in bed on the verge of sleep. And he dares what Felix will not, tilting his head down to brush a kiss over one of the teardrops splashed against Felix's thumb. It, too, is a gesture of some intimacy as well as comfort, but Felix is still at arm's length. Safer than an embrace, much safer yet than a kiss to the cheek or mouth.

If he's to say anything, he realizes, he'll have to let go of Felix. And he isn't ready to do that--not when the man is struggling not to sob with impunity. So he remains silent, looking up at his erstwhile lover, and nods slowly. He understands the outburst, understands the tears, and were things different...

[lord_wizard]

The kiss brings on another spasm of grief, comforting though it might have been. Comfort coming from Gideon was, from this point onwards, it would seem, to be forever bittersweet. But he doesn't let go. He almost cannot, for all the effort it takes to keep silent, though the tears continue to fall for a few more moments despite himself. Fitting, maybe, that tears were always seemed to fall between them, and nearly always his. But it was Gideon that was dead while he lived on, and with that perspective, it felt as if he had no right to that sorrow.

Eventually he does straighten, pulling his hands away and against his chest, saying with a soft voice, "I missed you."

[thraxios]

He's sorry to let Felix go, but he can do little but stare sadly at the man if he doesn't. His hand now free, he returns to the tablet.

Likewise - for a far shorter time.

Every minute up to his receipt of Garamond's note, though his longing for Felix was tempered by fury. And every minute since he opened his eyes to a strange, sun-dappled garden and the castle beyond; that feeling, too, was dampened, this time by thoughts of his death. By the knowledge that he was not where he'd hoped he'd be--and later, by the realization that for Felix, his death had occurred two years ago. Two years, when he'd arrived still fighting the garotte around his neck.

Gideon's life has become a metaphysical puzzle. And while he finds it fascinating intellectually, he's less enamoured of the personal implications. Even when they distract from the morass of yearning and sorrow and indignance that Felix's name now draws from him.

He's woolgathering, staring vaguely in towards a familiar mosaic and the doors beyond. When he catches himself, he shakes his head ruefully and looks down at the words he just wrote out.

I shouldn't keep you.

[lord_wizard]

Felix wants to ask what Gideon thinks he might be keeping him from at this hour of the night, but this thoughts on that matter are not difficult to guess. But even promised friends, Gideon's very presence makes that difficult. Even out of sight, the idea that his former lover - no, the man he still loves and loved first - is separated from him only by walls instead of the mire of death will certainly put a strain on that aspect of his life.

The wounds between them have only been bandaged, but it would take time for it to heal, for the both of them.

He nodded with some difficulty. "Very well. But we should...talk again. Later."

[thraxios]

I would like that, Gideon writes out immediately, nodding his head. Conversations with Felix are less convenient than they once were, when he needed no implement but his own magic to respond, but Gideon hopes he can come to accept this form of communication. Felix's willingness to try helps manyfold.

He glances up at Felix and gives him a small, tired smile. Everything else he can think of to write would be decidedly inappropriate between mere friends, however close. And so he closes the tablet again.

[lord_wizard]

He mirrored the expression, fighting off every urge he felt to bridge the distance between them again. It probably was best he left, before his composure slipped again.

"You're welcome to stay here a bit longer, if you like," he said, gesturing towards the telescope on the balcony and the starry sky beyond, remembering Gideon's previous love of star-gazing and Paradisa supplied an entirely new sky to learn, "just lock the door when you go."

Perhaps later he would offer Gideon a key, or offer him a place in Chimera, but for now he wanted to limit his former lover's presence in his life.

[thraxios]

Gideon's eyes light up at the sight of the telescope. He would like the opportunity to take a closer look at the stars, having been unable to recognize any from their home. And more than that, he would like some time to think about everything that's happened that day. Outside, somewhere beneath the strange sky and above the somewhat more familiar grounds, the space exists to consider such things.

He nods his agreement to Felix, rather than writing it out. If they begin to converse properly again, he suspects it'll be difficult to stop. Better to smile and silently wish the man a good night.

[lord_wizard]

"Good night" Felix answers, knowing what Gideon had meant to say even without having to hear it. Admittedly, he regretted not being able to hear Gideon's "voice" again, but the other man had never lacked for the ability to express himself in one way or another.

He turns and leaves, not looking back, leaving Gideon to consider the stars in his absence, and hoped it would bring them both answers.