paradisalogs | are you still mad?

Entry tags:

are you still mad?

Who: Cloud (

bustered)
What: Not running away!
When: A few after this
Where: Castle's grounds.
Rating: Chocobos.

Was he making a big deal out of this?

He was, right?

But if he was, then Reno was too... And there lied the problem...

Since when Reno cared about telling Cloud to stop dilly dallying? That sounded more like something Aerith would say!--but he had said it was Tifa so, yeah, it worked too.

How's that he got himself into this? He had said it once and he'd say it again, he was going to be facing crises is all his life, wasn't he? Well, at least this one didn't involve about ten muscular guys in speedos... That had to count for something!

Cloud sighs and shakes his head a little, lowers his sword to his middle section and tries to focus on what he was doing instead. He gives a quick glance to his surrounding area just to make sure no one is near and he's got enough space, then closes his eyes as his grip tightens around the kevlar handle.

One step, two steps, three steps--opening his eyes he starts swinging that massive piece of metal between his hands--to the left, to the right, passing it from hand to hand and behind his back. Then jumps, the Buster raising rapidly over his head and letting it fall into the ground, making the ground reverberate and leaving a clean cut on it. But that barely stops him as Cloud continues with what seems to be an elaborated routine, almost like a dance.

His muscles ached already, he had been still for too long even as a little helpless cloud. Ah, but he wasn't going to complain; he had missed this, all the time he couldn't hold his sword and tango with her. This was his life, he was born for this! For the thrill of the battle and pain of success.

Where was he getting all that cheesy stuff from anyway? Hmm, it didn't matter, it was better to have that in mind than thinking about certain brunette--and of curse it's when Zack comes to his mind again when he skips a step and he loses balance! He doesn't hit ground though, instead he changes the whole direction of his imaginary attack to avoid falling. He's gotta be able to improvise too of course! But after skilfully avoiding that fail, he stops all sudden. Impales the blade in the ground and turns his head towards the castle.

He's not going to come, right?

Is he making a big deal out of this?

He is, right?

Yes, he is...

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Cloud's heart skipped a beat when he saw the brunette coming.

Part of him hoped he didn't show up. If he didn't it'd only show he was right, Zack wasn't worth his time. The the other part of him was surprised to see him; if he had the guts to show his face after their little tense moment... Well it said a lot about the other. But there was a third part that was actually glad to see him, it was comforting to see that things could get fixed somehow between them, however, Cloud wasn't going to listen to this part of himself, he hadn't in a while.

The blond had had enough time to put himself together after Reno's lecture, it had been a moment of weakness that wasn't going to be repeated again. He wasn't going to let anything get him for the rest of the day, or even longer. His heart could skip all the beats it wanted, torn and twist at feelings he wasn't even aware he had, Cloud's face was going to remain as cool as ever.

And so it did when he met too blue eyes with his own. He was a goddamn First Class SOLDIER, he couldn't let things like that get him!

"Hey..." Replies back with the same nod, or at least a very similar gesture. It's only a nod, there is no way to compare it with anything really... Then he turns his attention to the Buster, pulling it out from the ground and placing it over his back, not after showing off how he could handle it--making it spin on his hand several times before letting it land softy between his shoulder blades.

Only then, Cloud half turns to Zack, what is he supposed to say now? At least listen to what the guy has to say! Those had been Reno's exact words, he might as well actually do that... He remains there, looking at Zack expectantly and not going anywhere, because he's not running from this, not anymore.

It's more painful than Zack had thought, to see Cloud so familiar with the sword, to see him lift and shoulder it so easily. The cadet he'd known hadn't been weak but the weapon was heavy for him. That's certainly not the case anymore, quite clearly so.

And it hurts. It hurts, but Zack's not going to let that show in his eyes, not if he can help it. Of course, that means he's minus a little of his natural ebullience, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

(Of course, sacrifices and Cloud go hand-in-hand for Zack, don't they?)

"Take it out again."

Because Zack is doing exactly that, pulling his sword off his back with his own little spin of the hilt over hand -- a movement similar to Cloud's, but not an exact copy; Zack has the height to be able to hold the weapon a little differently. And it certainly is the same weapon, if free of a few dings and scratches -- almost as if Zack's has seen less wear and tear than Cloud's. But it's clear that the Buster is comfortable to him from the way Zack shifts into a ready stance. He's not leading to attack but open for it, not sure if this is going to turn into a spar or something else.

"You wanted to see it, right?"

Edited (clarity of wording) 2012-07-26 04:00 (UTC)

It probably wouldn't hurt Zack so much, if he knew how much he enjoyed doing this and everything that was entailed to the ex-SOLDIER title, even if was all for the wrong reasons... But since he had no way to know what the other was thinking, he wasn't going to be able to tell him.

The blond tilted his head at the request, but it didn't take him long to get what Zack wanted to do. As he grips the handle of the weapon, he notices the fluency of the taller man's motions with his sword (his sword...?) and he takes in all that information without really realizing it. What he does realize is that it is indeed the same sword. Would it be better if he feigned dementia and simply assumed that, at some point, there were two blades forged the same for two First Class SOLDIERs?

Better for who? Goddamn you, Reno. Why was he letting the redhead's words affecting him so much?

Cloud was getting tired of wondering the whys, though, and he simply stares at the sword for the moment, trying to shove any other annoying thoughts that would only make his head hurt. He didn't need another headache.

There was, however, something that had always helped him to get his mind off things. Cloud spreads his legs a little, bending his knees in the process and carries his own sword to his middle section, just as he had done at the beginning of his earlier training.

"What else are you willing to show me?" How far could this go? How far was Zack going to let him go for a bit of inner peace?

"What else do you need to know?"

It's an open question, noncommittal in the way Zack speaks it. He's giving all the power to Cloud in this, to choose the way their conversation flows. Does he want to know about Zack? About the sword? About how they're related to one another? It doesn't seem fair to grab Cloud and shake him by the shoulders and ask him why he doesn't remember, even if a small part of Zack really, really wants to do so.

Restraint, Fair: use it. But he's also stepping closer, letting the back of his blade slide along Cloud's, an invitation in the soft hiss of steel to steel. It's his plan to slide close, unless Cloud resists the blade with his own -- just the flat and the back, no intent to harm on the edge. Zack's always preferred leading with the back of the Buster anyway, because it's how Angeal used to fight.

Of course, he's not trying to goad Cloud into a fight, but there is a definite echo of a spar in his movements -- almost one taken in slow motion, a glacial speed when one has knowledge of how fast a SOLDIER can move.

"What do you want from me, Cloud?" Pitched soft and low, it's another invitation that's perhaps a little soul-bearing, because Zack can't keep the tiny hint of pain from his tone.

Such a loaded question.

Cloud knew what he wanted, but he wasn't completely sure if he wanted it right away, offered as if was nothing in a silver plate. He wanted the whole story, how hard was that to ask? What was he afraid of? What could Zack possibly tell him that was so terrifying to know? They had been friends, good friends apparently, from what Cloud gathered from Zack's insisting notes; yet, something felt off. And he didn't know why, and he didn't know if he wanted to know.

If he had to be bluntly honest, he wanted Zack gone.

Selfish, definitely selfish, a wish for himself only and no one else but a wish he could deal with. However, his own curiosity was strong enough to stand the frustration. Cloud's curiosity and his own doubtfulness was what let the taller man approach close enough before stopping him by gently offering resistance with the Buster Sword.

"I... I don't know." It was probably the most appropriate answer. Cloud shook his head a little as he spoke without taking his eyes off Zack's. And somehow he cannot stop staring at him for the next seconds... How many of those went by, he wasn't sure, but it was starting to get harder and harder to keep the cool charade from all the sudden pain that came from that place in the middle of his ribcage, somewhere a bit to the left.

Feeling that something was off didn't quite begin to describe the real issue, did it? After those seconds went by, Cloud's eyes started glistening without him being able to stop it at all, and he can't help but panic. It is when he actually pushes Zack's sword with his own as strong as he can, and without waiting for the result, he leaps after him with the Buster over his head, ready to fall down again.

Edited 2012-07-29 02:30 (UTC)

"That's fine." Honestly, Zack doesn't know what he wants either. He wants Cloud to remember him, but at the same time it feels wrong to force the memory on the blond. After all, there has to be some reason why he can't remember Zack. And Reno's words still ring in his memory, helpful and hurtful all at once. "I don't know what I want either."

Well, it is the best way to term the jumble of feelings all clamoring around in his head and his heart. It's not easy, especially when Cloud looks at him with those Mako-stained eyes. Their gazes remain locked and it's almost like Cloud is looking for something, but whatever it is, Zack doesn't know, and doesn't know how to give. He wants to, even lets his lips part to murmur another soft question, but the thought goes unvoiced with sudden pressure on his blade.

And Cloud is fast, Zack certainly has to give him credit for that. He's fast and he's strong, and the clash of Cloud's weapon coming down on his own as the blond leaps is not a small noise. But really, Zack is a SOLDIER -- with all the proper training that entails -- and if nothing else, he knows how to respond to a surprise attack.

His counter comes as fast as Cloud's initial attack, leading with the back of the blade and not the edge. He's not holding back any more than Cloud is, partly because it's a dishonor to them both if he does, and partly because he simply does not wish to. Everything has a breaking point; Zack's heart is stretched so far that he feels he'd left his own far behind.

Slash, slash, parry. There is a painful lump in his throat and he doesn't know how it got there. His sight is blurring and that infuriates him.

Jump, slide, duck! But apparently any of that is enough to stop him from moving as he always does. In fact it only fires him up more; he's not even sure if he's angry at Zack or at himself for letting emotions overwhelm him in such a stupid way. He's probably just angry at himself, provided that he was angry at Zack, he would have actually tried to hurt him at this point. No, he's just letting out all this frustration and pain, not trying to kill him.

Both eyes are fixed on Zack, all the time, and it hurts to look at him... At some point, gravity works its way on both, the swordsman and the blade that goes down for the hundredth or so time after one of so many leaps. But it hardly has any effect on the water drops that come from Cloud's eyes, and his hair... Rather than sliding down his cheeks, they float away with the wind force from his fall. Hitting Zack with his attack no longer matters; he stops aiming at it because he can't even see anymore, not that he really needs to, he's got other quite refined senses after all but he doesn't want to do this anymore.

The attack touches ground, the Buster's blade pierces the ground and the force makes Cloud kneel down.

He doesn't get up after that.

His shoulders are shaking, and his whole body can't stop itself from being overpowered with emotions he didn't know he had inside. Why is this happening to him?

Cloud is good, Zack has to give him credit. And it's good that he's good, because Zack doesn't want to think too much either, not right now. He just wants to respond to attacks with counters of his own, and attack only to have it countered, steel hitting steel with devastating force and it's probably a good thing that they're alone, and in a place where they can't do much damage.

Well, much damage to anything other than themselves, perhaps. They're both skilled enough to avoid injury, but not all wounds are physical. No, the thing that hurts the most is the blue eyes that lock onto Zack's, the expression that he can't quite read because while it's Cloud, it's not really his Cloud, and Zack doesn't know the whole story of the man opposite him. But what he does know isn't pretty, not for either of them, and the only reason he doesn't break is that Cloud does so before him, blade sliding off into an attack ill-aimed, finding its end in the ground with the blond on his knees.

And Zack... Zack just needs a moment to breathe, because there's something about seeing Cloud so... so overwhelmed that tugs painfully at him. Didn't he promise that Cloud wouldn't have to hurt anymore? Isn't that what he spent a year trying to do, to get them to safety and make a life for the two of them? Isn't it what he died for?

What good is all of that, if he can't stop the pain that Cloud seems to be so obviously in?

Slowly, a second Buster is laid at the spot where the first pierces the ground. Slowly, and even more tentatively, a gloved hand finds Cloud's unarmored shoulder. Zack doesn't squeeze, doesn't restrain him, just kneels next to him and touches him, because Cloud's breaking down and Zack thinks he might not be too far after, if he's not careful, if he's not strong enough to hold it together.

(Truthfully, the strength to hold himself together ran out long ago. He's going solely on willpower, on desperation and the fear of alienating Cloud entirely.)

Edited 2012-07-30 04:57 (UTC)

Gravity has finally tamed his tears as they fall freely down his face, and he simply can't do anything to avoid it as much as he wishes doing so. His body is shaking, but only in compensation of any kind of noise he could be making. It's one disheartening picture for anyone who sees him, however it was the most healthy way to get rid of the pressure that he had been keeping inside, a bit more of denying it would have been disastrous.

The warmth of Zack's hand on his shoulder brings him back to the present for a moment, tensing up a little before letting go. He's got no strength to shove it off or even give a damn.

It's all about Zack, isn't it? All this pain and remorse, is Zack's fault, in the sense that he was the trigger of it all. He's going that road again, trying to put the pieces together to the point of making his head hurt, he is desperately trying to come with some explanation of why he's bawling like a baby.

The only thing that comes up is a painful flash of white before he gives up. Cloud lets go of the sword and brings his hands to his head. An eerie but soft laugh leaves his lips afterwards, mocking himself at how pathetic he must look in that moment. That alone might be enough for the ex-SOLDIER to force himself out of that state. At least the shaking has stopped. The worse has past, the storm is coming to an end and Cloud simply keeps his hands over his temple for the moment as his breath starts evening out.

"... —rry..." His voice fails him even after who knows how long has passed.

"Heh."

Zack doesn't have any idea what's going on with Cloud: what's going through his head or if it's something in his body, why he's collapsed on the ground with tears in his eyes. What Zack does know is that he hates seeing Cloud like this, and there's a moment when Cloud tenses that Zack himself freezes, afraid he's going to be shoved away.

That moment doesn't come, thankfully, and Zack lets out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.

But that still leaves him with the problem of what to do with the blond next to him, because if there's one thing Zack does recognize, it's the delicacy of the situation and that a wrong move on his part will tear everything down. Slowly, his hand travels from Cloud's shoulder to the back of his neck, rubbing there just lightly, trying to be soothing.

"And you chide me about training when I shouldn't be." It's soft, trying to give Cloud an out that he won't find shame in taking -- trying not to push the blond away. "Tell me next time you're having headaches."

Headaches... Why hadn't he thought about that one before? Maybe because he had been trying to ignore them so hard for the past months.

Whether it was Zack's attempts to make him feel better, or just the fact that Cloud himself was trying to get over it, he started relaxing and it showed. It felt good though, the soothing gesture.

Cloud turns a little at Zack, looking at him over his shoulder, hands still over his temple without really giving too much attention to it.

"Why do you care?" He might just need a little reminder.

"Because we're friends."

It's a simple answer, and one that's true on Zack's part at least: because he considers Cloud a friend, because Cloud couldn't not be in that category for him. Even if Cloud decides it's something he doesn't want, this friendship, Zack thinks he'll always carry a torch for him.

Maybe he really is a hopeless case like Kunsel used to say, but it just feels right.

And maybe he can do a bit of good; maybe he is doing a bit of good, just like this. Zack gives Cloud a small smile when he turns to look, trying to be encouraging. It's just one SOLDIER to another, one comrade to another, one friend to another. He'll take a chance in rubbing at some of the tension in Cloud's neck, a slightly firmer touch than previous, and hope that the attention isn't rejected.

"Aren't we?"

Are they?

Cloud keeps his stare on Zack briefly, unable to come with an answer to that. Turning away he lets out a sigh and brings the gloved back of his hand to swipe the remains of tears that might be over his face. He can't remember the last time he broke in that way, but it doesn't feel so long either.

What is there to lose anyway? His mind, maybe, but it's the last thing he thinks about.

"I guess..." For a moment he wishes he could say something else, a plain yes, or a plain no, but at least he's honest.

"You're good." He's finally trying to move on, either if he's talking about the relaxing motions over his neck or about something else, he doesn't make it clear. His eyes linger on the swords though.

Well, it's more a partial answer than anything else, but Zack will take it, and not in small part because it is honestly given. And it's not a rejection, so really, he can't complain. If Cloud never remembers him -- a possibility he doesn't like to consider, but has to admit may come to pass -- then Zack hopes they'll still be able to be friends, just starting over.

"Thanks." He's not quite sure what Cloud means, the almost-massage or the almost-spar, and neither is he sure how to ask which one. But maybe it doesn't really matter, because both things have their place, don't they? He's hoping so at least, because Zack's really kind of enjoying what they're doing now, and he's really kind of enjoying the thought of having a proper spar with the blond.

"How're you feeling?"

How is he feeling?

It is quite a hard question to answer in that moment as he isn't quite sure. Cloud's silence elongates for a moment before he decides that this is going anywhere; gathering himself, he gets up at last, picking up the Buster with him not only to take it off the dirt, but to help himself with it. He could probably rely on Zack to help him if his balance falters, but he trusts his sword way more right now.

Cloud takes a moment waiting for something to happen; as for what he's waiting for, he's not quite sure either. His head has stopped hurting, but the uneasiness is still nested in his chest, but it is nothing he cannot handle right now, or so he thinks. After that brief moment has passed, he settles his sword over his back without any kind of extra movements; a hesitant second later, he turns to look at Zack directly at last.

"I dunno what's going on... But..." Starts, locking eyes with the other. "Don't go easy on me." Somehow, from what he's seen, Zack seems to be the type of guy that wouldn't want to push someone too hard if it'd mean breaking them. It's not like Cloud would like to lose his cool like that again, but if it happens, it happens.

Cloud's shifting and standing and moving away, so Zack takes it as an answer in the affirmative -- well enough to be on his feet, at least, and Zack knows from his own habits that it doesn't necessarily equate to well at all. But that's on Cloud, not on him; Zack can't be a mama chocobo all the time, he knows, and he's trying to get better about those tendencies in relation to the blond.

It still doesn't change the fact that he wants to just persuade Cloud inside, to curl up around him and protect him. He can't though, as much as he wants to: Cloud doesn't want that sort of coddling. And he doesn't need it either, this Zack knows. He just takes up his own blade and meets Cloud's stare levelly for just a moment, for the two simple words of a promise. "I won't."

That's all the warning Cloud will get before Zack's the one rushing him, all strength and speed and relentlessness, because that's what Cloud wants.

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are you still mad?

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