paradisalogs | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Jennifer Keller and Carson Beckett
What: Working on human engineering
When: Now
Where: Carson's room
Rating: PG

It had taken a while, but Carson has finally gotten around to inviting Jennifer to come help with Conan's virus. The Scottish doctor will already be working, after telling his colleague that the main room is open and the combination to the little lab he has off to one side.

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Jennifer sat, hugging her knees to her chest and feeling angry, bitter tears stinging her eyes. Some part of her knew that he was right- that she was never and never could be perfect, no matter how much she tried to and wished she could be. That even before coming to Atlantis, sometimes there truly was nothing she could do, that she had lost patients before, and it had never bothered her as much as this.

But there was still something nagging at her. Something missing. And she was sure that it had to do with Rodney.

"I still feel like I should have known," she mumbled. "Like... like it was staring me in the face, and for some reason, I just missed what was happening. I had no real excuse NOT to see it. But that's where one of the holes in my memory is, too. Like there's a reason I didn't realize what was going on, beyond a simple mistake or misdiagnosis. I don't even know how to begin finding out, though."

She wiped her eyes.

"I don't want to keep dwelling on that, but it's made me feel unfit to help anybody here. Much less work on something vitally important like this. It's made me doubt my own competence."

"I don't doubt your abilities, Jennifer." Carson says, leaning back in his chair. "And that may be part of your loss."

He frowns slightly. He was the same when he first arrived. Not knowing that he was good enough, why they kept him around when he did nothing of importance. It didn't stop him from doing the important stuff; saving Rue, the alien crab-monsters... But it was always there. It took Dr. Jackson's breif visit to the castle to help, so he was going to help Jennifer as much as he could.

"If it is your loss, you need to push through it. The castle has a nasty habit of picking losses that cause us the most uncertainty. I believe in you, I believe that you can do this, that you can help Conan, that you can help the people in this castle."

I'll still never be as good as you, but at least one of us doesn't doubt me, Jennifer thought, but she felt that to be an increbly negative thing to say aloud. So instead, she smiled sadly.

"It does know how to hit right where it hurts, apparently. As if I didn't have enough self-esteem problems already..."

Still not uncurling herself, she blew a hard sigh out of her nose.

"I know, looking at it logically, that they never would have kept me around after that if it really was my incompetence that almost killed him. The others understood why I wanted to keep him for treatment, even Jeannie, and even if they did disagree with me about trying to go to that shrine. Logically, I know all of that. Emotionally, though, it hurts. It hurts a lot, thinking I almost killed him, and made Jeannie have to go through seeing her brother like that, and made the others go through seeing someone they care about in that state."

She bowed her head, but quickly raised it again rather than speak into her knees.

"Your confidence in me means a lot. I truly mean that. But it's still going to take me some time to get over, and for this project, we can't exactly wait around for me to feel better about myself. As long as you trust me to not royally screw things up, I can at least work with you on it."

"Jennifer. I trust you with my life."

Carson moves his chair over to sit beside her.

"And I'm sure the others would. Time and time again, after all that stuff with Rodney. You're a good doctor." And one of the ones better qualified than himself. The only reason he was held in high regard, even though he wished he wasn't, was because of the things he's done. Things he can't remember.

"I'm here to help you. Okay? Will you at least remember that?"

"I know you do," she said quietly, quelling an urge to get up and leave again. It had taken her a long time to break herself of that urge to leave difficult situations, so when it reared its head, it was that much harder to fight. "And I'm not about to tell you you're wrong to think that way."

She looked over at him and gave a wary, tired smile.

"I will. I promise."

And an arm gets looped around your shoulder, Jennifer. Because Carson can't stand people he knows being upset about anything...

...Especially when he might be part of the cause just by being himself.

"Good."

This time, she showed no signs of trying to shy away from his touch, and she finally felt something inside of her begin to shift. Like her doubt was beginning to fade, if only a small bit.

"... It did feel good to get that off my chest," she admitted. "That's been plaguing me since I got here."

"Sometimes talking about it is the best thing to do."

That arm's not moving. Nope.

"And you can tell me anything, okay? I don't like the thought of my friends and co-workers being unhappy when I can do something about it."

"Okay. I'll do that," she replied, sounding more firm and sure of herself than she had for most of the conversation. "This was just... hard to talk about. But that's not much of an excuse, either."

"The fact is that you're talking about it now." Carson points out. "And that takes a bit of bravery."

"... Yeah. In this case, it did." Admitting to your face that I almost killed one of your closest friends, I mean? "I'm going to try harder to not hold things in, and stop feeling so awkward around... everyone."

Jennifer had been about to say "you", but she knew that would have just made things even worse.

"And you know I'll help you in any way I can."

He's still just going to sit here, arm around Jennifer's shoulders, until she moves.

"Admitting it is the first step."

Hesitantly, Jennifer finally pulled her friend into a hug, feeling that said more than anything she could have spoken aloud.

And Carson returns it, holding the hug as long as Jennifer wants to.

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