Secrets, silent, stony sit in the dark palaces of both our hearts

[lord_wizard]

Who: Felix and Mark
What: A talk
When: Monday, March 25
Where: Room 428
Rating: Pg-13, most likely, for Felix's past

Weeks after having his brother come to the castle and he can't quite put a name on anything he's feeling. It's been two years. It seems like a distant memory, the day he and Mildmay left Mélusine. He knew he'd been angry - with himself rather than his brother, though his sibling bore the brunt of it anyway, for lack of any better target. The last in a long line of injustices the other man bore for him. It felt unfair that it had to continue here in the castle. That things had been relatively quiet for the time being meant little in the long run.

He couldn't hide from it either. Mildmay's loss made it so he had to keep him close and therefore never far from his mind. That the obligation d‘âme was part of this was impossible to explain. The only one who knew of it was Mark. Not even Ashura, privy to much of the details of his past, knew of that arrangement. And when his lover had turned up missing, it only seemed press down on him even further.

And while it seems ridiculous to be seeking council from a teenager, there's no one else left to go to. Mark sees something of value in him, or at least is willing to try. He needs to know if that optimism will hold up when given more of the story. Thus it's later that evening, shortly before the usual broadcast time, that Felix knocks on Mark's door.

Comments

[hard_talker]

"Gideon." He echoed the unfamiliar name, mostly to commit it to memory and link it to the story. "I'm guessin' he was the boyfriend, yeah?"

With a frown, he moved from his leaning post against the wall to perch on the edge of his bed, and took a sip of his soda. He knew what it was to be paranoid - he'd been afraid of getting caught every night he'd done his broadcast, back home, despite all the precautions he took. He knew what it was to be part of something large, and put your blinders on and keep walking, hoping it would solve itself, too. And even more, he knew what it was to want to drive people away. He'd tried to do it to Nora, too, after all, and he still felt lucky every single day that it hadn't worked. As much as he wanted to voice all those things, to reassure him, he knew the story wasn't over yet, so it wasn't his turn to talk. So he held all his reassurances in, and simply listened.

[lord_wizard]

Felix nodded, solemnly. "Gideon was a defector from the Bastion - our political and thaumaturgical rivals, in a sense. A large part of what Cabaline wizards like myself are responsible for is maintaining the wards that prevent them from attempting a coup. By taking the oaths and the tattoos," he held up an arm where the vines blazed in resplendant glory along the back of his hand and disappeared into his sleeve, "you are protected by those wards. And while it's possible for a defector to be allowed in, the Curia was stalling on Gideon. Essentially, it was only being my lover that protected him, and when he left..."

He had to pause again, pressing a hand against his forehead, both against the pain and guilt he felt.

"He was murdered...by a spy from the Bastion. It wasn't even about him. He was killed in order to frame me, under some misguided assertion - propagated by Malkar, I assure you - that I was like a keystone to the structure of the Mirador."

[hard_talker]

A lot of the terminology was as good as Greek to Mark, and went sailing over his head, but the gist wasn't hard to grasp. Not only did Felix have the guilt of being tied to Mildmay, but now this ... he winced, suddenly wishing he could do more than just stand here and listen.

"That's ... that's awful. Jesus. What ..." He sighed, trying to pull his thoughts together more sufficiently so that he could say something that sounded remotely supportive.

"... so ..."

But then the implications of what Felix was saying settled on him completely, and he paled. "They didn't really think that you--"

[lord_wizard]

He didn't look at Mark directly as he nodded again, minutely, and licked his lips before taking another drink, which he was at least finding was helpful in keeping his throat from going dry as he spoke.

"I had enough enemies in the Mirador that they would not have searched very hard for another explanation, and I had..." he cleared his throat, "...something of a notorious temper. Isaac had planted sufficient evidence to lay the blame at my feet. Luckily for me, if the adjective can be used, Mildmay and a friend of ours, Mehitabel, discovered the crime before the Protectorate Guard was conveniently alerted to it, and in turn they came to warn me. Un-luckily...for all of us, probably...I was with Isaac at the time, and what they told me helped me realize that it was him that had done it. I probably don't have to tell you that I was angry. More than I have been in my entire life. But what I did..."

[hard_talker]

It's funny, Mark can't help but think: how it's one thing to kill someone for revenge in the movies or in books, as an eye-for-an-eye, but how hearing about someone actually doing it is terrible and makes his skin crawl. He's not sure he could do it, even now, even as he's being trained to defend himself almost every morning.

"You killed him, right?"

[lord_wizard]

He feels himself wither a little at the question. Though Mark assuredly doesn't mean it to be accusatory, the horror at least is evident. And perhaps he should be, though what Mark doesn't know is that while Isaac isn't dead by his hand, he had already killed once before then. When he'd rescued Mildmay, he'd done it by incinerating Malkar. But at the very least it hadn't been just for his own sake.

"Worse, maybe, but it's not--" he stops himself from saying 'not the point', because he doesn't want to sound like doesn't at all care about what he did, though he would not say he wished it hadn't happened.

"I ordered Mildmay to do it, via the binding-by-forms. But even the binding-by-forms isn't complete control. It's a push...a strong one, granted...in a certain direction...that can be resisted for a time. And he fought it then."

He ran a hand over his face and looked up at last, waiting for the judgement he expected as he continued with the last of it. "The Protectorate Guard found us then. I wanted him to suffer, the way he'd make Gideon suffer, and I had no time to consider it. So I did it. No, I didn't kill him. I sent him mad instead."