paradisalogs | IT'S A BABY-BONANZA!

[York keeps his tone just as low, though real anger is beginning to show on his face.]

The earthquake lasted about ten seconds, Carolina. I made sure my tower was evacuated and then I went to help in the town, where buildings actually collapsed and hundreds of people were injured or worse. The castle was not only structurally sound, but it has the energy to rebuild itself if anything happens to it. I've seen it happen before. Given that we had no designated outdoor evacuation point, what the hell more was I supposed to do? Spend all my time making sure the people who were already safe were still safe while I left everybody in the city to die? Fuck that. And yeah, I have been trying to set up an outside evacuation point since then, not that you care.

And how the hell do you think coming back for you, trying to get you away from the ship, and then you knocking me unconscious while it crashed into a goddamn ice planet was me abandoning you?

[Carolina actually hadn't heard many details about the quake or the specific efforts to evacuate and help the town. She knows now that she's wrong about it but she isn't about to admit it.

The second part they've been over and Carolina doesn't want to waste her breath.] We've already been over this; you didn't come back for me, you came back for the Alpha. And crashed the ship to begin with. You ran away and then came back to attack us.

[Of course she's not going to admit it. That would mean York was right about something, and God forbid that.]

No, Tex went back for the Alpha. I helped her because it was the only chance I thought I had to get through to you. Obviously I shouldn't have bothered.

[That's how he remembers it, anyway. It is entirely possible there had been something about the Alpha in there, but if so the castle's wiped his memory of it.]

And you never bothered to ask why we ran, did you? Or did you take the Director's word for it? It's not like he constantly lied to us and manipulated us and kept information from us. Oh, wait. He did that all the goddamn time.

[Every now and then she does remember his loss and talking about it (and remembering her conversation with said Alpha), combined with the sudden anger at him talking bad about the Director gets her all riled up again.]

How would you even remember. You don't remember the Alpha. [Her voice is nearly a growl now.] The Director---

[She can't bring herself to say he's a great man, that he had done everything for them, as her mind reminds her of how he hadn't loved her, how she would never measure up to her mother or the agent who---

Allison. Texas had been somehow modeled after Allison. In impromptu fight, the Director had shouted her name. He would rather lose his daughter than ever face the loss of Allison again.

The steam and anger she'd built up disappears immediately and she deflates on the bench next to him just as quickly, not bothering to finish her sentence..]

The Director's not the Alpha, Carolina. [Because that's sure where her speech was seeming to go.] We both know that's Church.

[But oddly enough she doesn't seem to be able to continue her train of thought. He'd been prepared to give her numerous examples of the Director treating them poorly, but if she didn't want to push it he could save those for later.]

More to the point, he's not here and he never has been. You don't have to act like he is. That's just going to make it worse for you.

[She's sure he remembers how she'd been when she'd first arrived and how careful she had continued to be to keep knowledge about their relationship and PDA to a minimum. But it didn't even compare now. Anyone could give the Director the information that she had been in a relationship with York, if the former showed up.

Honestly, if the Director showed up, things would go very badly, very quickly.

When she responds, her voice is level and formal, if not robotic.] He could show up at any time, you know that.

Yeah? So what? He doesn't have any power over us here, unless you believe he does. What's he going to do? Kick me out of the Project?

[Let's not even start on how futile it would be to try to take his equipment away. The only possible thing the Director could do to him would be if Delta had some kind of hidden override--and even then, York had complete confidence that the Doctor could help him with that. And Wash. And hell, even someone like Lady Galadriel or Break or Ken or Allen or Ino. Not that he was sure how Ino could help, but she was a ninja, she'd think of something.]

It's all in your head, and unless you learn to look past that you'll never be at peace. Here or at home.

[Carolina would argue that she doesn't need to be at peace, that being a peace means she isn't honoring the dead and that she isn't working hard enough. That much she had learned from her father.

If the Director showed up, she wouldn't know what to do. As it stood, right now, she was still loyal to him, would be until her mind could fully wrap around the thought of your father never loved you.

He would never admit to having a daughter either. If she told York and the Director asked him, he could deny it up and down and leave her out in the cold.]

I don't need to be at peace.

[York sighs and looks over at the kids, joyfully running around and inventing games in the little playground area. How can someone even say something like that? Doesn't need to be at peace?]

We're not at war here. You know that. But until you accept it inside, you're just going to keep running yourself into the ground until you have nothing left.

I know you want to be strong, but there's more to strength than training all day every day. You have to take care of yourself or you're going to shatter under pressure. I'll try as hard as I can to pick up the pieces, Carolina, but every time you push me away you're killing that, bit by bit. Not to mention alienating everyone else who ever called you a friend.

[If anyone else had said it, she would be worried. If York or Wash said it, she would encourage them to talk to someone. If either of the kids had said it, whether still children or adult, she would sit them down herself.

But coming out of her mouth is a different story. It's supposed to be like this.

Just like she knows she's already broken and snapped under the pressure, but hell if York needs to know it.]

I don't need you and I don't need "friends."

[Power has always been the most obvious sign of strength, leadership abilities had never fallen on that spectrum, being able to not fall asleep on a crashing spaceship did though.] I don't need anything.

[That was called "passing out", actually. Though if she'd been getting regular sleep, she might actually have handled it better anyway. Which is what his immediate response is, anyway.]

You need to be getting more sleep. Not counting this morning, how much sleep do you get? Four hours a night? That'll exhaust your body and you won't be able to react quickly or efficiently if you need to.

[He rubs the back of his neck, which she almost certainly would recognize as one of York's most common indicators of stress.]

Speaking of which, I'll take the couch tonight.

[Ignore most of what she just said? Ignore most of what she just said.]

[Carolina shakes her head at his guestimate of how much sleep she gets a night. The mention of the couch gets another shake of her head.]

I won't be sleeping while the kids are here.

[She says it like it's actually physically possible.]

[Welp, that answers his question all right. York rolls his eyes.]

Carolina, going three days without sleep is considered grounds for commitment to a mental institute. They're going to be here for a week. It's not going to kill you to sleep. In fact, it'll probably do you a lot of good.

I won't sleep or I'll get a different room. [Carolina rolls her eyes at him. She'd prefer to be able to be in the same room as the kids as long as possible, thus the not sleeping. Because if she does sleep, she knows she'll wake up screaming.]

[York narrows his eyes at her. There's really only one reason he can see for that.]

And you said you didn't hate me. I already said I'd take the couch. I'm not going to take advantage of you in the night, you know.

[Carolina turns her gaze fully to him in stark confusion, her eyebrows furrowing in a sudden concern. He thinks that she thinks that he'd take advantage of her during the night?]

What? No. That isn't it at all.

[Which puts her down to only a couple options: a)not tell him about the nightmares and have him assume that she thinks he's going to rape her in the middle of the night or b)tell him about the nightmares.

She really hates both options, but one of them is clearly more horrible than the other, even to her scrambled conscience.]

Then what's so terrible about sleeping in the same room with me, huh? I know it's not that you can't stand the kids. [Hell, the only signs of happiness she'd shown at all since she came back was when she was around the kids, so it couldn't be that.]

You were doing just fine this morning until you woke up, anyway.

York, I have nightmares. [She can't help the still slight snarl of her response. Of all the things for him to assume about why she wouldn't want to be in the same room as him.] Every night. A few times a night. Except last night because of the Castle likely. I usually wake up screaming.

[She openly glares at him in exasperation, hoping that he can, at least, figure out why her screaming while their kids are sleeping would be a Bad Idea.]

Edited 2013-05-22 22:53 (UTC)

[Oh.

Well.

...Okay, that makes a lot more sense, then. Still, York looks more surprised than he ought to, knowing what she'd recently come from. He's quiet for a while until his expression retreats to a more thoughtful one.]

Would you...consider taking anything for it? A sleep aid, I mean. There are some that give you dreamless sleep.

[Because God, does she need it.]

I mean, I'd still be right there in the room with you, so if anything important happened I could give you a shot of adrenaline or whatever to wake you up.

[Carolina feels conflicted at seeing that surprise on his face. She had been putting on the illusion of functioning and that she was only training all day every day strong enough to fool him, and part of her is satisfied at that. However, the other part is concerned with the surprise and all his previous bluster about caring about her and that him not having known is clearly evidence of a lie about his feelings at one point or another.

She shakes her head at him. Needing him to give her an adrenaline shot to wake her up in an emergency is far to dependent for her tastes right now.] I'll get a different room and come back in in the morning before they wake up.

[Frankly, after their last failure of a conversation in the castle, he'd been far too angry at her to seek her out beyond the most superficial of information. But he had still known right away that she wasn't getting enough sleep - that much was obvious just by looking at her.

But of course, there she goes pushing away his offer of help again. York grimaces at the prospect.]

So you don't even want to try. Typical.

You're asking me to put my life in your hands. If the place starts burning down and I'm knocked out from a sleep aid, I'm supposed to trust you to wake me up with an adrenaline shot. [Carolina continues to openly glare at him.]

You know how crazy that sounds. What about when we get back to the Castle. Are you expecting me to move in with you so you can give me an adrenaline shot in case the Castle burns down.

First of all, this place isn't going to burn down. It never puts the kids in danger.

[He sighs.]

And Christ, it doesn't have to be me. I know you hate me. [Which he's going to stubbornly repeat, because she's really not giving him any indication to the contrary.] I'm just trying to give you alternatives so you can get better.

I can not hate you and still not trust you, you know. [She doesn't miss this part of talking to him. Y'know, the part where he ignores what she says and stays hooked on an idea (that she hates him).] I'm not moving in with anyone anytime soon.

I don't see much of a difference from my end, you know.

But fine. Keep not trusting anybody and having nightmares instead of trying to change things. See how far that gets you.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject