The soul is healed

[lord_wizard]

Who: Felix, his son Ryuga, and ANYBODY
What: Watching after his child
When: Today
Where: The play room at the resort
Rating: PG for kids

Years ago he might have worried what people would think if they saw him now - the people he once knew in the Mirador certainly would be laughing themselves silly - as he sat at a comically tiny set of table and chairs. Considering everything else that had happened, it was now the least of his concerns. One of them was Ashura, who he'd left in their room to rest after quite a bit of goading, while he took their fussy impossible progeny out to play. He watched with a tired but gentle smile as his son rolled a tiny plastic truck across the floor to his feet.

His son. He could never quite get over that.

Felix rolled the toy back with his foot, but Ryuga simply frowned and tossed it away, evidently unsatisfied with this.

"You don't like that one?"

Ryuga shook his head, obviously pouting.

"Well, what do you want?"

The boy only whined louder, and Felix rubbed at his temple. The boy had been much easier to entertain when he was smaller, and not quite to the age where he could articulate it effectively. But he'd have to think of something soon, before this turned into a tantrum.

Comments

[thraxios]

Gideon's expression is drawn back into a small smile, and he nods.

The less charitable way of phrasing it would be 'a holy terror.' But harmless.

As far as Gideon can tell--and he'll be the first to admit that when it comes to children, he knows nothing--she's still working out that actions have consequences. It seems that that's a forgivable offense for a four-year-old, judging by the way Mildmay manages her.

But there's only so much to be said about Mildmay's progeny, especially outside her presence. After a moment's consideration, he turns the subject from children to their adult handlers.

How are you faring with Ryuga?

[lord_wizard]

"Well enough. He's less of a terror himself this year than last, though it's never been easy," he says remembering the sleepless nights and anxiety in the beginning, constantly questioning himself and why he'd been given this responsibility. He had relied as much on the help of friends who knew their way around such things -- like Phoebe and her sisters -- as well as the fair number of books on the subject.

Ryuga chose this moment, naturally, to counterpoint that statement by driving his truck straight into little Zipporah's stack of blocks.

[thraxios]

No, it isn't - Gideon begins to write, but then Zipporah lets out a whimper. He glances over in time to see her open her mouth wide and begin to wail.

She cries rather easily. He's not sure what to think of that.

At the moment, he stiffens in his chair--then quickly gets up and walks over. Ignoring Ryuga (he is, after all, Felix's domain), he picks Zipporah up and takes her back to his chair, doing his best to comfort her.

[lord_wizard]

With something of an exasperated sigh, Felix goes over and crouches in front of his own son. With a tight-lipped expression he reaches down and takes hold of the boy by the chin, firm but not hard enough to hurt him (he's overly conscious of that at all times, both fearing the same kind of damage inflicted on himself and knowing his own instincts to wound).

"That wasn't nice. We don't treat other children that way," he says, at which Ryuga mumbles incoherently and tries to pull away. Felix only tugs him closer.

"No. Say you are sorry or it's back to your room."

Teary-eyed, Ryuga tucks his chin back, briefly petulant, but then looks across the room and says, "m'Sorry..."

[thraxios]

Gideon has grown to hate the sound of children crying over the course of a week. It's harsh on the ears and frustrating to feel so impotent in the face of a child's tears. And as he grows fonder of Zipporah, it's difficult on a more personal level. Still a little awkward with her, Gideon does his best to pat her back and bounce her until she stops. It takes a bit, but it eventually works, and a strange pride fills him.

When Ryuga apologizes, Gideon wonders for a moment whether one accepts a child's apology differently from an adult's. He decides that he should approach it as he would any other: he nods gravely in acknowledgment and then makes a small sweeping gesture with his hand as though brushing the whole matter away.

And then he sets Zipporah back down so he might take up his stylus again. When Felix comes back over, he'll have a message to read: I'm starting to suspect that all children are terrors in potentia.

[lord_wizard]

Felix has handled Ryuga, over the years, like he would a particularly slow member of one of his classes in the Mirador. For the most part it seems to work, even when he often gets very little sleep and resorts to an extra glass of wine at night just to maintain peace of mind.

Telling the boy to go back to playing, he returns to the table, glancing down at the message as he does so.

"It is is a wonder any of us turn out as decent people at all," he says with a drawn smile, pausing to sigh at a still-moping Ryuga. He manifest witchlights, something he'd used often when the boy was an infant, finding it to instantly fascinate and distract him, and after a moment he finds the effect is much the same now, although he has to put a bit more effort into making them move around.

[thraxios]

Gideon smiles at the witchlights, watching them just as Ryuga does for a moment or two. He hadn't thought of using them to entertain Zipporah; perhaps he'll try it next time she looks like she's going to cry. Zipporah herself seems transfixed by Felix's, watching them move through the air with a peculiar clarity of focus Gideon has never seen in an adult.

Decency is a learned thing, he writes, looking up at Felix's wan smile with some consideration. Gideon, of all people, has no place lecturing on goodness--it's an active effort for him just to live as a man he might begin to consider 'decent'--but it is a thought he's pondered before. Ryuga is fortunate that he's learning so at a young age.

[lord_wizard]

"I'm not sure where you imagine I learned it from," he says softly, though the trace of humor in it does nothing to cover the fact that it was not at all a joke. Many people had told him, since arriving in Paradisa, that he was a decent person, and part of him still cannot believe it. It feels more like a coat he's gotten used to wearing, but the fact of the matter remained that it still was not who he was under the surface. That monster of Malkar's crafting. Just because it was well hidden now, did not mean it was gone.

[thraxios]

Gideon regards Felix with a smile that, like Felix's comment, has a tinge of ruefulness to it. He's tempted to reach out for the man's hand and curl his fingers around it in silent reassurance. It's a desire he has to resist, though; he balls his hand into a fist beneath his tablet and squeezes until the moment passes.

Sometimes we must be our own teachers. And sometimes they must discover teachers long dead, their thoughts and philosophies left behind in dusty old books, to aid them. Felix's son is not the only child present in a more fortunate position than his parent was.

[lord_wizard]

Part of it is the fact that was aware of that divergence of generations. The tiny chance that he could ensure that another child did not have to go through the horrors that he had experienced, was what served as a constant motivation to be that better person consciously. If only just for Ryuga.

"I have done what I only term as 'my best' in that regard."

Admittedly, that had been easier when his efforts were unseen by anyone who knew the difference. Who knew exactly what kind of cruelty he was capable of. Even if they had not intended it, he feels under far more scrutiny now.

[thraxios]

Gideon has been quietly coming to similar conclusions. When Zipporah falls mercifully asleep, he's found himself more than once regarding her and wondering whether her future will include the same miseries he suffered. Were she in his care permanently, he'd see to it she wouldn't--nearly anything would be better than tithing an innocent child to the Bastion's cruel hands--but, of course, she isn't.

He's not certain where these children come from, or where they will return to, but he hopes her true parents have the sense to keep her safe from harm.

What more can any of us do? Gideon shakes his head, staring down at his half of their conversation. Felix, you -

But he thinks better of it, turning his stylus around and using the wide, thick end to erase those words.

[lord_wizard]

He gave Gideon a questioning look, wondering what the rest of it might have been, but uncommonly afraid to ask.

"In that regard," he began hesitantly, "I am sorry for what happened the other day. I would not thrush company on you which you do not care for, but I find it rather difficult to ignore you."

Gideon wasn't some undesirable like Robert or Agnes or even Shannon, whom he could easily pass by and not acknowledge or even actively avoid. This was a man who he had not seen for years, and every time he did now brought on a tiny ache of loneliness, no matter who he might be with at the moment.

[thraxios]

Those words would have been followed by dangerous comments, affectionate and goading in equal measure. Felix is hardly incorrigible. He has the capacity for kindness, even tenderness, whatever he might believe of himself; Gideon has seen it often enough.

And it increasingly seems he has the ability to apologize. Gideon still can't quite believe it when he hears it, despite the sincerity with which it's offered. He recognizes the careful, tentative cadence of Felix's words, but the words themselves still feel surprising.

The fault is mine, he writes. With a wry smile, he adds, I can't blame you for a flaw I possess in equal measure.

He looks up at Felix as he moves the tablet over so it might be read, knowing full well that he's never been able to hide his affection as well as he might like--and for that moment, not caring.

[lord_wizard]

Even after all this time it's hard not to miss that look in Gideon's eyes, and it does not fill him with the dread he was expecting. The mutual apology has a lot to do with that, given that Gideon used to be just as disposed towards intransigence as he was.

"None of us are perfect," he said, reaching across the small table to place a place his hand other the one Gideon had on the tablet. It was a startling reminder of the first time they been together in that tiny Kekropian hotel, and the memory itself springs rather vividly to mind along with the impulse to duplicate it further by leaning over for a kiss. He stops short, but the desire is easy enough to recognize.

[thraxios]

Gideon's breath catches at the way Felix looks so intently at him. He thinks he can see the selfsame yearning he feels when he's in Felix's presence--when they aren't rising to each others' bait, at least (and even then, he knows, it's there). That same desire to pull him up from the table, go away to a private room, and relearn with eager hands and mouths the things they've lost.

After a moment of staring transfixed at the curve of Felix's lips, Gideon tears his gaze away and shakes his head. He has to draw his hand back from the warmth of Felix's, little as he wants to; they're treading on treacherous ground when they watch each other so. But he still can't resist turning his hand beneath Felix's and clasping it, squeezing for one brief moment before letting go entirely.

He moves his tablet so he can write a reply. No. We aren't.

[lord_wizard]

Felix stares down at his own hand a moment before retracting it, feeling briefly bereft of that familiar touch. It wasn't just the intimacy, but the recollection that Gideon had once been his confidant and protector before he was a lover. Felix had of course left plenty of lovers in his time, but none had been much more than that.

"All we can do is try. I realized that some time ago," he said, a neutrally as he could manage. It was best that part of that realization came as a result of his relationship with Ashura, and wanting to prevent the mistakes he'd made with Gideon in the past.