paradisalogs | (no subject)

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Who: Simon Tam and Katniss Everdeen
What: Simon is feeling lonely without River, so he goes to check on the closest thing to a sister he has left.
When: June 27th, 2013
Where: The forest
Rating: G

Simon couldn't seem to snap out of his depression after River's departure. Despite the fact that she didn't remember him and didn't seem to know how to relate to him much of the time, he still loved her and cared for her just the same, and her depature had still cut him.

Simon needed a friend. No- more than that, he needed a sibling. And he knew where to find the closest person he had to one.

So he set off through the forest, dressed for the environment, hoping he wouldn't scare Katniss.

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Katniss wasn't expecting visitors, that was true. Honestly, unless she invited people out there, she didn't really expect to see anyone at the cabin. That was half of the appeal, and sometimes ... the problem. While she liked her solitude -- she missed her people. Her family. Without Peeta here, or Rue, she felt the lack of human contact.

So when she heard someone approach, she was three-quarters wary, and one-quarter hopeful. She stood up from where she was sitting on her small porch, making new arrows, her grey eyes narrowed as she plucked up her bow and one of her newly fletched arrows. She notched it, but didn't lift it to fire.

Simon knew he was getting close to where Katniss lived, but he didn't know exactly where she was- and, thinking more, he knew she would be wary of an unexpected visitor. And so, cupping hands around his mouth, he called out for her.

"Katniss? Are you home? It's Simon!"

When Katniss heard the familiar voice, she exhaled with silent relief, before putting the bow and the arrow down. She jumped down off the porch, pressing through the brush, until she found him standing on the path.

"Simon." She shook her head, before she went to go hug him, "You should have told me you were coming. I would have put tea on."

Simon hugged her back and sighed, still feeling the weight of deep loneliness inside his chest.

"It was a spur-of-the-moment thing," he mumbled. "I needed some company, and... someone who would understand how I feel right now."

She squeezed him again, before a frown worked it's way across her face. She pulled back enough to look him in the face, a question on her face that was immediately answered. Grief moved through her gaze, before she curbed it, and instead leaned in to hug him tighter.

"...Come with me. I'll make us some food."

"Sounds good," Simon said quietly. "I can't stop taking care of myself..." He was about to say that River wouldn't have wanted it that way, but the words wouldn't come out, because all he could think of was when she'd come back to Paradisa a second time, and the realization setting in that River had had no idea who he was...

Simon realized he was standing still and staring blankly into space, and vigorously shook his head. "Nothing I can do to change what happened, anyway."

She folded her fingers through his, squeezing his hand tightly, before she pulled him through the brush to her home. "That's right, we can't stop taking care of ourselves. We've got to be strong, we've got to keep going."

She pulled up his arm, and wrapped it around her shoulders.

Simon liked the touch. The gestures. The closeness. It was something he loved having- and sometimes, like now, it was something he desperately needed- but physical closeness between him and River had never felt right to either of them. Not while he wasn't "brother" to her.

He found himself following along with Katniss, feet moving automatically.

"Even..." He took a shaky breath and suddenly leaned forward. Not for the first time since River left, his voice was starting to break, and this time, something broke a little inside him, and he could feel tears starting to stream down his face. "Even when everything and everyone... everyone I love... keeps getting taken away from me."

She could feel the weight of his grief, pushing down on him, making his steps stumble. Felt the first of his tears, when they splashed against her cheek. She managed to get him to the porch of her house, and sat him down. Wrapped her arm around him and held tight.

Words stuck in her throat - because wasn't that how she felt the entire time here? Back home, her entire world was gone, and here she watched friends slip away from home until there was only Gale left.

But she had the others. She had Simon. So she clung to him a little tighter and said quietly, "You have me. And I'm not going anywhere."

Simon bit back the automatic response of But you can't guarantee that. It wasn't something he should ever say, and he had to stop thinking so negatively all the time, even if he did feel useless. Even if he did feel like he was alone and had little left to live for.

"Always." He reached up and wiped his eyes, but he couldn't stop the flow of tears. Shouldn't, he realized. So instead he just kept holding Katniss back. "So much of me is wrapped up in River, when she's not here, I don't know what to do with myself. How to just be me, instead of half of Simon and River. I had that problem when she left the first time, but this time..." He took a shaky breath, feeling more grief pressing in on him. "This time I had to keep trying to make her remember me. After everything we went through together, I kept hoping... it could change."

She rested her head on his shoulder, lifting up her hand to comb through his hair. Slowly, keeping quiet so he could let out the tears. Let out the anger and the grief. She closed her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat.

"It's ... hard. To become yourself when you've wrapped so much of your life in one person. When you put all this love, and time, and effort to keep them safe. Keep them alive. And it's okay - because they are so special. So beautiful and you love them more than you could even love yourself." She opened her eyes, looking at his tear-stained face. "So you have to know ... you have to know, that love that strong can never be one-sided. Know there is always going to be a place, where you can be together."

She lifted her hand, brushing the wetness away from his face. "Then they're never really gone, and you can breath again."

The gesture of Katniss running her fingers through his hair, the touches, made Simon feel better and worse at the same time- because it reminded him of Kaylee, and once more of how much he deeply missed his girlfriend. But still- it was soothing, it was relaxing.

He was quiet for a while after she spoke, waiting until his tears started to subside. He didn't trust himself to speak until that happened. It was so rare that Simon was so open about his feelings like this, his grief, that he was a little surprised with himself. So rare that he was allowed to be open, that he could be without feeling guilty that he was thinking of himself and not River.

"I would have thought so, but the castle did manage to take that away. Even if it was just for a few months. She felt affection towards a brother, she knew I wasn't lying about being him, but somewhere in between there was a disconnect. I had to watch her go off and find a new brother, new friends, new people who she forged an instant connection with that she would never have with me. After all I gave up for her, all I sacrificed, all the love I felt... it was worth nothing."

She shook her head, anger flashing across her face, before she put her fingers on his chin and turned him towards her. Her grey eyes were serious, and determined, her jaw drawn tight.

"Don't let it. Don't let it take that away from you. River is your sister, and whatever the Castle did to her? Temporary. In your world, in your time, that love hasn't even hesitated a blip." She squeezed him, her face tightening. "Love is something that lasts farther and longer than this place."

She breathed out, pressing her hands against his skin, then down to his shoulders, squeezing them tight. "You can't give up on her now."

Simon was surprised, and it showed in his face. But then, he supposed that was why he had been drawn to Katniss- because she knew how he was feeling, and she thus knew how to take him out of it. He made himself meet her eyes, though he was reluctant to.

"... You're right," he mumbled. "But it's hard to feel hopeful about much while I'm stuck here. ...I can't remember the last time I've felt like this." He sighed. Even when it felt like he was never going to see River again while she was still trapped in the Academy, he could still cling to that. He'd known where she was, could make a plan about how to get to her. Here, he didn't have that option. "I keep telling myself that I have to keep going, but all I can think about is how much I want to go home. How much I miss River. How much I miss Kaylee. I don't belong here."

She squeezed his hand, then stroked his face, making sure that he met her gaze full on. "You have to keep going, so you can make it home to them again. That's all that means anything, here. being with the people that we love ...."

She looked down to the ground, her own gaze strained. "Some of us ...some of us never do."

Simon bunched his hands into fists, then spread them out in his lap, staring down at them. The hands that had performed many a delicate surgery. The hands that had held onto River many a time. The hands that had caressed his girlfriend's body when they...

No. It was still too much.

"I have no choice, do I? As much as I want to give up, it's not like I want to... ...I can't go with the other option. And I know that I need to use this intelligence and skill I was blessed with for the benefit of others. Live for others."

She watched him carefully, her lips pressing together as his fists worked together. When he spoke, she nodded her head sadly. Knowingly. As if she knew that this would be the hardest thing he would ever have to do.

To live on, when everything in him screamed that he didn't want to.

"Yes. While we all are selfishly glad that you stayed."

Simon finally smiles at that. There's a lot of sadness in it, but it's still a smile.

"Live for others," he repeated. "Live for the ones I have. That's very important, too." Like the person sitting right next to him. Like Phoebe. Peter. Lemony. The Doctor. Spike. Lucrezia. His colleagues in the clinic- even if seeing Jennifer sometimes still hurt and made him ache for Kaylee. Others aside from them.

Either way, Simon was quite sure he didn't want to actually die, but he wasn't sure how to keep going, either. It was an odd way to feel.

"It is not selfish, I don't think. We lose so many people here and are separated from our loved ones back home. It's natural to want to hold onto them much tighter because of it."

She smiled back, just the tiniest slide of her lips upwards in turn.

"It is." It was hard, living for the others that were not her nearest and dearest -- but they were dear to him. They were the people she protected, and loved fiercely here. No matter what. No matter who.

She pulled one knee up, leaning her elbow against it. "Agreed. You don't want to lose more than you already have, after all."

"No," he said with a small nod. "And I don't want to inflict the pain of losing me on anyone and hide away from them... just because I am afraid."

Because he couldn't be ruled by fear, he knew. Having to live constantly paranoid of the Alliance finding him and River back home was hard enough- being wary of an unfamiliar face, not ever feeling comfortable stepping off the ship, not knowing who to trust because a kind face could easily turn out to be a traitor.

"Living afraid of everyone is no way to be."

"No, living afraid is what lets others turn us into prisoners. But we can't allow that to happen - and we can't allow ourselves to become prisoners in our own minds."

Her own expression flicked to sadness, and she squeezed Simon's shoulder. "River's waiting for you, Simon. One day ... you'll have something to go back to. Never forget that."

Simon breathed hard through his nose and nodded again.

"It's strange... to think I have someone waiting for me now. Not just River, but my girlfriend, and my friends... the people who took me in, kept me when nobody else would, didn't turn me in to the authorities even when they could have made a pile of money from it. I couldn't think of them as home, as friends, couldn't let myself think I belonged there... not until I was brought here and realized that I had all I needed there. And now that I've learned to appreciate it, it's impossible to willingly go back to it."

"Then I guess you'll know how much you'll be welcomed back. You have everything, and a lot more." She pressed his fingers with hers, before sitting back against her pillar.

Simon put his arms around Katniss and hugged her close.

"... Thank you. For talking me down. When I came out to see you, I wasn't sure what I was going to do with myself. ... But you understand. Not many here really do. Not the ones I know. ... I suppose that is something else to work on while I am here. Reaching out more. Being a friend instead of a doctor."

Edited 2013-07-15 21:30 (UTC)

She sighed as she wrapped her arms around him in turn. She squeezed back, as tight as she could.

"You're welcome. You know I want to keep you in one piece. And I know how you can be a great friend."

Simon held that hug for a long moment before finally letting go, sitting back and looking at the sky.

"I try my best," he replied. "I sometimes fail at it, but... I'm only human, too. I can't be perfect and save everyone from getting hurt, as much as I wish I could."

She sat back herself, leaning against the post as she instead looked out to the woods.

"No, you really can't. You can't save everyone, even though you can try."

"And it is still worth it to save a few people. Even if one of them ends up being myself."

It was still a little jolting to Simon to admit he had gotten that low; however, without his sister, his reason for being, here where he could keep an eye on her, he was left directionless.

"I will find a purpose again. I need to have one, and it doesn't have to be River."

"Even if it does. Sometimes, we're the ones who need the most saving." She knew that better than most. She reached out, and squeezed his arm gently.

"Good. And remember ... you're not alone. You're never alone, Simon."

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