Castiel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ofthursday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
paradisalogs2013-11-11 10:40 pm
ofthursday) wrote in paradisalogs2013-11-11 10:40 pm
Entry tags:
[Closed]
Who: Castiel, Meg
What: Enjoying Firenze, and by enjoying I mean not
When: Before things start heating up, so the 10th
Where: The Campanile di Giotto
Rating: PG-13 at most for discussion of their terrible lives
Castiel had finally starting to get the hang of life in Paradisa.
Of course, now that he was getting used to things--to being mortal, to having sort of a routine for meals and research and talking to people, to picking up more and more social and cultural things each day--that was the perfect time to wake up in a completely different time and place. Thanks, Castle. Thanks a lot.
Fortunately enough, he remembered this time and place. He'd observed it, and many others, with his garrison as they had watched over humanity in their mission. Of course, observing was a whole lot different than living, and the first thing he had done was find Meg.
To be fair, he had tried to find Dean too, but he'd encountered Meg first and after finding out she was powerless had decided to stick close to her. This was not a time or a place to be a woman alone, particularly when she was used to being an incredibly powerful and capable demon, and Castiel was certain Dean could take care of himself. Meg was another story, just going logically, without even factoring in the incredibly complicated emotional aspect of it.
Once they'd gotten the basics figured out, they had gone cautiously exploring. The bell tower had caught his attention right away, and they soon found themselves at the top of it peering out through the windows. Being high up made Castiel feel a bit more normal--when an angel, he had flown of course, but he'd loved to perch on top of buildings and mountains--and so the bell tower was a little reassuring the midst of all the changes going on.
He glanced over at Meg, to see if she was enjoying the sight as much as he was.
What: Enjoying Firenze, and by enjoying I mean not
When: Before things start heating up, so the 10th
Where: The Campanile di Giotto
Rating: PG-13 at most for discussion of their terrible lives
Castiel had finally starting to get the hang of life in Paradisa.
Of course, now that he was getting used to things--to being mortal, to having sort of a routine for meals and research and talking to people, to picking up more and more social and cultural things each day--that was the perfect time to wake up in a completely different time and place. Thanks, Castle. Thanks a lot.
Fortunately enough, he remembered this time and place. He'd observed it, and many others, with his garrison as they had watched over humanity in their mission. Of course, observing was a whole lot different than living, and the first thing he had done was find Meg.
To be fair, he had tried to find Dean too, but he'd encountered Meg first and after finding out she was powerless had decided to stick close to her. This was not a time or a place to be a woman alone, particularly when she was used to being an incredibly powerful and capable demon, and Castiel was certain Dean could take care of himself. Meg was another story, just going logically, without even factoring in the incredibly complicated emotional aspect of it.
Once they'd gotten the basics figured out, they had gone cautiously exploring. The bell tower had caught his attention right away, and they soon found themselves at the top of it peering out through the windows. Being high up made Castiel feel a bit more normal--when an angel, he had flown of course, but he'd loved to perch on top of buildings and mountains--and so the bell tower was a little reassuring the midst of all the changes going on.
He glanced over at Meg, to see if she was enjoying the sight as much as he was.
no subject
When his hand begins to shake, her face falls, immediately etched with concern. She had known that whatever he went through must have been awful, but she never thought she'd see him so close to losing it again. For a moment, she half expects him to be gone in the blink of an eye as he had always done when he became upset while she was caring for him. But no, it's not quite like that. It's entirely raw and human and he's still right there next to her. It's unsettling to witness, but that hardly registers beyond her overwhelming desire to somehow comfort him.
She knows well enough that he usually shies away from physical contact when he's sulking, but this is more than sulking, and she can't not reach out to him as he clenches his shaking fist, trying to keep it all in like always. She rests a hand lightly above his knee, stroking gently with her thumb and tilting her head to catch his eyes again.
"Cas... it's ok. You're ok."
That's really obviously not the case, but she's got her soothing voice on, and she's just hoping it's enough to put him even a little bit at ease. Of all things, he looks... ashamed... and she's the last person he should ever worry about falling apart in front of. She'd been there to pick up the pieces before, and she would happily do it again as many times as he needed her to.
no subject
Humans dealt with life every day; he should be able to as well.
His gaze focused on the far wall, hands still tightly clenched into fists in his lap, sitting up straight and totally still like a statue. If he could just be physically calm, then perhaps he could be mentally; Castiel had no real coping methods, as he'd never learned them from the Winchesters and certainly not in Heaven, so he didn't know anything but to just control and hide away everything. He knew, logically, he could talk to Meg just as he'd encouraged her to talk to him only a few minutes earlier, but it didn't seem like an option for him. Physically, it actually wasn't, but communicating in any way seemed out of the question at the moment. He didn't want to talk about what he was feeling, because he shouldn't been feeling it. He should be able to just deal with it and go on by himself.
Still, no matter how little he moved, he wasn't calming and his breathing was as unsteady as his hands.
no subject
He wasn't out of his mind and he couldn't just blink out whenever he wanted to, so she mustered what she could find of her usual self and set in on him. Her soothing voice wasn't working anyway so she abandoned that for something much closer to her normal tone, but it was still laced with concern and compassion.
"Cas. Hey. Look at me. I have no idea what the hell is going on inside that head of yours, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I'm not gonna watch you hurt like this, and I can't leave you alone right now, so tell me what to do, or tell me what's going on. Whatever you need. You've gotta know by now that I'd do anything for you."
Her eyes were pleading him for answers or direction or something, just begging him to let her in.
no subject
He might've, upon meeting her eyes, decided to let his walls down and talk to her, except that he couldn't. It was much harder to allow himself to act on emotion rather than logic when he had to actively think about and choose to communicate; words could come out without thought, but to write or sign he had to make a conscious effort. So often, his loss didn't bother him in the way most assumed it did, but other times it bore down on him and made him feel even more trapped in this body than he already did.
Part of the problem was that he didn't know what to say, when he stopped to think about it. How could he explain? What did she know, and what did she not? He didn't want to put this on her anyway; she obviously had enough of her own problems to deal with, especially mortal for whatever is going on in this place now, and Castiel knew how tough it was to adjust. She didn't need to by worrying about him, especially when his problems had no fix.
He seemed to consider what to do for some time, though he was less frozen than before, gaze shifting a little as he thought and he ran his knuckles over leg idly just to move a bit. Finally, he decided on a partial compromise, and though his hands were still a little unsteady they weren't shaking as badly when he signed a response.
I'm alright. There is too much to explain.
no subject
"Like hell you're alright. And too much for what, exactly? I know you know it's not too much for me to handle, and if you don't, then you've got another thing coming."
But she was better than that, and she wasn't going to add to his stress - er, any more - by being upset with him, so she took a steadying breath and put on a neutral expression. Her eyes were still pleading with him, that couldn't be helped. She only had so much control now, and they shone with the tears that were pricking at their edges instead of the usual glint of mischief.
She could tell he was conflicted, and she just... didn't feel right about dropping it. It almost seemed callous when he looked almost looked like he did want to talk, and seeming that way was something she was so conscious of.
"Look, the only thing that's too much for me is the idea that you won't just... let me listen. We've got nothing but time to kill here until this place either burns to the ground or goes back to normal. Take your time or whatever, but Cas?"
She reached up and stroked his cheek gently, but her touch shared the same hint of desperation in her voice.
"You gotta talk about it sometime."
no subject
He never shared much of anything unless he was pushed into it, and most of the time he wasn't. He would dance around a subject as long as someone else did, but if they truly kept pressing it--and it was because they cared, rather than any other reason--then he was far more likely to relent. Bobby, who Castiel missed so much, had figured this out right away, and Sam and Dean were catching on as well. Meg, of course, had always been direct, but now there's the caring as well, and after a few moments Castiel signed back once again.
It's a long story.
But he'd tell it, if she wanted to know.
no subject
She mimed looking at a nonexistent watch on her wrist and gave him a little smile. "Pretty sure I've got the time."
She did care, more than he knew, and that meant she wanted to know. She wanted to know anything he wanted to tell her and more. She would have just told him off sooner if she wasn't so damn confused about her own on top of worrying about his, but at least they were in it together.
"So what happened?"
no subject
There was an angel in Heaven that few knew of. Her job was to force obedience to orders, and she could modify memories and parts of an angel's personality to do so, and she can directly control them this way as well. I don't remember more than what she did most recently, but I have apparently been rebelling for a long time. Entire pieces of memory are missing, and there are fakes ones in their place.
no subject
She sat back and just shook her head, dazed and angry on his behalf. Finally, a coherent question comes to mind, and she looks back at him, the same mix of fierce anger and compassion etched on her face.
"Did you kill her? Because if you didn't, I will as soon as we figure out a way back on our own."
no subject
Castiel shook his head at the question, giving another response.
Another angel killed her. He was who took my grace.
no subject
"Right, well whoever that was, then he's next."
She smiled a little falteringly, studying his face. It felt strangely liberating that they had discussed a little of what she imagined was very hard for both of them, if not impossible for her under usual circumstances.
She reached up and stroked his face again before running her hand gently through his hair. There wasn't much else to say, but silence was hardly uncomfortable between them, and staring into his eyes was pleasant enough that sometimes she never wanted to stop.
After a moment, she smiled a little to herself, realizing that while it was more time consuming and took more effort, it somehow seemed easier to sign what she had to say, so she did just that.
I'm glad we talked. And I'm sorry you lost your grace.
no subject
When he pulled away, he gave a quick response. If you desire to speak further about anything at any time, I am here.
no subject
She smiled at his response and signed back in response, with one thing in mind: solidarity.
Thanks. Same goes for you. I'm here. Anything you need, anytime you need it.