paradisalogs | how do you show, what can't but should be

Entry tags:

how do you show, what can't but should be

Who: Edward Kenway, James Kidd
What: Sleep walking stuff and thangs
When: February 25
Where: Library area
Rating: P....G? Spoilers for end-game, etc.

[ Everything around him was sweltering hot and muggy, even the breeze against his face was mildly warm. In the distance lay beaches so familiar to him he could cut to the appropriate pathways to get to the shoreline where beyond that lay beautiful blue seas. Seas in which Edward has been in longing for. To feel the slide of the salted waters cutting over his skin, to dive deep and gaze upwards at the way the shafts of sun gave off a crystalline shimmer to the surface.

He was home. He had to be. ]

Anne? Adé? [ They had to be around here somewhere. Why was there no one to greet him? ]

Jenny?

[ What had happened with taking the girl to London? Why had he been returned to Nassau? All of these things filter in and out of his mind as he wanders and takes in both the sights and smells so dearly missed, his robes heavy against his shoulders as the sun beats down from above, cuts through the wide leaves of the tall trees.

Edward continues walking and spies a rather nicely shaded area where he might be able to pull his robes open and lessen the heat they trap within. That is until he spots someone he never would've thought would find their way to him.

Red hair, loosely curled at her shoulders, her skin flawless and as beautiful as he remembers if not sporting the markings of a light tan.

Her name is uttered under his breath, disbelieving and almost pained. ]

--Caroline?

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[The person whose attention Edward grabs is none of those things. Dark hair, tied and tucked under a scarf, brown skin scarred and pock-marked from many days at sea and just as many fights. Mary is as different from Caroline as the sand is from the ocean water, just as the library in Paradisa is a far cry from Nassau.]

Edward?

[She's taken to the library to find something to busy herself, to get her mind of the tiredness that grips both mind and body. Mary's back is to the bookshelf she was browsing before she heard Edward's voice, but not her name. Caroline. His dead wife.

He can't be drunk, so Mary's not sure what exactly this is. Strange things are typical for this place.]

[ She's real. She's really there, speaking to him. Saying his name. How he'd longed to hear her speak his name again, to look his way as he had longed for that same very thing back in Swansea when he'd been but a young lad.

There's a twist in his chest; it's similar to that which he'd felt upon reading the letter of her passing and of Jenny.

Jenny.

Guilt. Immense guilt wash over him at that, it might show in his expression like a sheet draping over a statue to keep it from becoming dusty. There Caroline stands and neither of them have the blonde girl at their side. Their daughter. He'd failed her, how could he have failed her? He'd made her a promise - two years and then he would return. But then...

Edward goes to stagger back a step as if meaning to turn and run, to escape the ghost of his wife, and instead he stumbles forward towards her, his expression and voice torn. Riddled with choking emotion, enough of it that it might bring any man to his knees. ]

Caroline-- [ What can he say to her? What should he say? His chest is tight, threatens to choke him. All the while she stands there with her hair and her skirts toyed with by the breeze, as graceful and as noble as the day she'd left him.

This is his wife. It's only on instinct that Edward pushes himself to close the distance between them. ]

Caroline, I did it. After all these years--

[ Maybe if he explained it to her, convinced her to see his side of things. The same way he tried all those years ago. ]

[This isn't the Edward she knows. This is the wayward husband, the man that missed his own wife's passing and early years of his daughter. Mary puts up her hands, to stop him from approaching.]

Edward. It's me. Mary.

[Caroline is dead and gone, just as she should be, but she imagines Caroline to be softer and kinder and beautiful. Would Edward have settled for anything less than a treasure? Probably not, even when he was younger and a loose cannon.]

Easy, man. You're seeing things.

[ But he isn't hearing any of it, not paying any attention to the hands that have come up in means of cutting his approach short. Edward strides right up to her, takes her face in his rough and callused palms to cradle with such tenderness. ]

I did it. [ He repeats while his eyes are open and searching her face. There's happiness within the sadness, happiness that brings forth tears to brighten the already bright blue hues of his irises, turning his eyes glossy. ]

Treasures beyond your wildest hopes and dreams; we can live comfortably, I can now give you the life you deserve.

[ A slow and shuddering intake of breath. Edward almost wants to laugh, wants to grab her up and spin her. Unfortunately something's stopped him. Jenny's nowhere near that he could see.

All that happiness falls away and Edward's lowering his head. ]

Forgive me. Caroline. Forgive me - I should have been there. For you, for Jenny.

Edward--

[Christ. She knows the touch of a husband. The grip she takes on his arms, hands on his wrists, is not as strong as she'd like due to that damn look on his face. This is Edward raw and unguarded as she'd ever seen, but what he sees for some reason is his wife.]

Edward. I'm not Caroline. I'm not your wife. [She tries once more, pulling his warm hands away from her skin. It's hard to bark at him, voice and temper caught somewhere in her chest, so she gives his shoulders a hard shake instead.] Mary. It's Mary. Come to your senses.

[ Why would she pull his hands from her? She's his, he's hers, they're married, they're--

Edward cuts her short by shrugging off the hands at his shoulders as his find their way again to either side of her face, cupping. His mouth closes over hers; Don't push me away, not when I've lost your once before.

The kiss is gentle and non-intrusive, a simple press of his lips against hers, a lingering touch. ]

I'm sorry, Caroline, so very sorry. I'm sorry I'd left you, I should never have. If I had stayed...

Edited 2014-02-27 09:35 (UTC)

[Had the kiss been aggressive at all she would have slammed his nose through his face without any remorse. Instead, she's caught off by the gentleness, and foolishly freezes until the gears in her brain start moving once again. Edward is a good man, and he'd have been a good husband to his wife had he stayed and been able to find a way to be content with what he had. He loves her, and it breaks Mary's heart to know the hole left in his, partially by his own hand.

Christ almighty. Her eyes search his face as she tries to figure this out.]

It's all right, Edward.

[Maybe if she speaks the words he wants to hear, she'll get somewhere with him. She doesn't know how Caroline talks or moves so she makes no attempt to sound like her or be her. Edward's mind and the castle, she assumes, are doing a good enough job of that already.]

No more apologies.

[ A scoundrel with a heart, a heart worn recklessly on his sleeve, bared to those who might know him well enough to read it. A man ruled at times by emotion.

Her words do little to ease the ache deep within his chest.

Slowly his knees buckle and his legs begin to fold beneath him. Down he goes, lowering himself down onto his knees before her. His fingers curl in her skirts as he ducks his head, presses his face to her thigh, a tremor beginning to take over his broad shoulders as they hunch forward.

Over and over in the softest of tones, his voice breaking with the words and tears as they begin to trek down his cheeks, he whispers against her. ]

Forgive me. Forgive me.

[ Did she knew he'd lost Jenny? Could she have known? ]

[In that moment, she wonders if his Caroline would forgive him. Was she a merciful woman? An unforgiving one? Would she berate the man on his knees and weeping before her, or would she truly forgive him for abandoning her for a life of adventure and gold? Mary doesn't know. Nor must Edward, if he held this much remorse and guilt in his heart. This came from someplace dark and deep but not ever too far from the surface, surely.

In the end, it doesn't really matter. Caroline could show up one day and give Edward some peace or break him into tiny pieces, but for now Mary plays the part. Her hands go to the back of his head, gentle as his touch and lips had been.]

I forgive you. There's no need for all of this, now.

[God forbid anyone else come to this part of the library and see him so vulnerable. She glances about as she pets his hair, trying to soothe him. He needed to believe his wife forgave him and held no resentment in order to pick himself up. That was clear enough.]

We're fine, Edward.

[If she were truly Caroline, left behind pregnant and waiting, she's not sure what she would do in this moment.]

[ The weight bearing down heavily onto his shoulders lessens with those three words. He makes no sounds as he weeps, shoulders shaking all the more. Years on years of this guilt, all of these emotions; Edward's kept it all inside up until now. It was easier to bury it with drink, to toss back mug after mug of rum, to numb his thoughts.

Once or twice he may have cried over his drink, kept his back to the others and hunched himself over his rum, whispering her name to himself. Edward barely remembers those days, days of sitting at a table by himself, talking to the air as though Caroline herself had sat at his table to watch on in sadness.

He would sing shanties in her name, mumble her name and make talk of how she'd take him back even if he had to force her to. No more casting him aside.

Edward doesn't think about the tears he's shed that soak through her clothing.

I forgive you.

He lifts a hand to touch to her arm as he turns his face towards it. His lips brush over the inside of her palm, lower then to the heel of it. His cheek damp with tears presses there and he closes his eyes, taking a moment to breathe, to get himself back together. ]

I love you, Caroline. God Himself - I love you.

Edited (CRAAWWWWWWWLINNNGGGG INNNNN MYYYY SKINNNNNN) 2014-02-27 10:27 (UTC)

[Mary grimaces. How cruel of this castle to trick him like this. Whenever he snaps out of this, he won't be pleased and Mary knows that pirate or no, Assassin or no, he's a sensitive soul. It's just more stress to an already strained existence in this place where the dead are alive and descendants are everywhere. Edward deserved many things for his past, but this was too much.]

I know it, love. I know. [The words pull on her lungs. James Kidd uses terms of endearment easily, flirting and charming and intriguing girls that have fanciful ideas about pirates. No harm in telling them what they want to hear. But she was married once, and whispered sweet words into her love's ear in soft tones she hasn't used in many years. It aches to remember, but she must for Edward's sake. A careful hand is needed for this.

Gently, Mary pulls her hand away so that she can crouch before him. A man like Edward shouldn't be so low all on his own. A word doesn't leave her lips as she uses the backs of her fingers to dry his cheeks.]

[ Edward sits there with his legs folded under him as she brushes away stray tears. He watches her face, uses his eyes to trace over her features, features he'd fallen for the very moment she'd ridden in his line of sight and sat atop her horse more than a decade ago.

Reaching out his hand cups her cheek, his thumb caressing the plump line of her lower lip. She's so-- ]

Jenny, she's... she's beautiful. Caroline, when she arrived in Nassau and I had first laid eyes on her, breath and word alike were lost to me. We have a daughter, a daughter.

If only you'd told me sooner, I would have... Had I known of the girl, that you were with child...

[ Edward's gaze drops to the sand between them, to the crab the size of a child's palm that crawls over her skirts. He reaches down to pick it up and lay it off to the side, shooing it onto a different course. ]

[She steels herself and lets him touch her face, wondering what exactly his eyes show him. The poor man. Not the first time she'd thought it since he arrived, shocked and lost and looking for his little girl, and likely not the last.

This is all she can do to keep him from falling apart. Comforting others is not a thing she'd ever claim she's good at, but she does her best to imagine what a wife would do. How she'd touch.

Is Caroline smiling? Mary hopes that's what he sees, as she finds it hard to do as her fingers brush over his beard.]

Aye. You would have stayed.

[That was obvious. Mary's frown deepens as he reaches for something that isn't there on the library floor, but no matter--it's a reminder that they're in a public place, and Mary doesn't want to see what will happen if another person enters this fantasy.]

You don't need to explain yourself to me. Just don't go leaving my side again.

[Don't leave her sight. Not until she knows this vision of his will end.]

I'd like to think I would have returned without hesitation.

[ Feeling her fingers gently scrape over the hairs of his beard brings the faintest of smiles. It doesn't quite reach his eyes but it's enough to brighten them. ]

But I do, Caroline. [ And just like that the smile slips away and his brows knit. Edward reaches out to take her by the shoulders, his hands settling at the sides of them to grip firmly. ] You turned your back on me when I needed your faith the most; I only asked for you to believe in me. I would have returned to Bristol sooner had my...

[ His fingers tighten as if bracing himself for what he has to tell her next when suddenly he's straightening up and twisting sharply at the young child's voice somewhere behind him. ]

Ah-ha! I've found you now, Father. Whatever happened to our adventure?

Jenny? Jenny!

[ And just like that Edward is spinning away from Caroline, making a hasty promise that he'll get their daughter back, that he'll do everything in his power not to lose her again. He's up on his feet and beginning to give chase, spying the plait and head of blonde hair so much like his own weaving through the aisles of bookshelves towards the exit, her blue skirts rustling. ]

Adventure! Adventure awaits us, Father!

[ Her voice echos in his ears, haunts and taunts him. ]

Jenny!

[She dislikes the hold he has on her (in more than one way, damn him), but she stays in it to listen to him talk. All Mary knows about Caroline is that she left him, had a daughter, and died. There's no use in asking about the dead.

A part of her wishes she had, now. All she can do is listen and formulate a response.

Mary thinks she has control over this situation until Edward darts off like a frightened rabbit.]

Edward! Stop! Jaysus--

[Fuck. He's completely mad. Mary takes off after him, shoving a chair and a forgotten stack of books onto the floor in her wake.]

[ They have nothing but the castle to blame for this, stupid bloody castle and it's stupid bloody tricks.

Edward covers a lot of ground with his long running strides, determined and frantic to get Jenny back. He shoves his way past those who also live in Nassau, man and woman alike (in reality he's shoving aside chairs and anyone close enough). ]

Father, look! There, a whale! Shall we get closer? Oh - lets!

Dammit - stop! Jenny!

[ He sees the whale in the very distance, further out at sea. Which is where the girl in his dream is headed for now, her silken slippers kicking up sand in her wake.

Can the girl even swim? Had her mother taught her? ]

Quickly now, before it gets away!

[He's shaving months off her second life, making her dodge this and that behind him. God only knows where "Jenny" will lead him. The library is only several floors, but if he manages to go up and then off them it won't be pretty. He's the biggest danger to himself... as usual.]

Dammit, Edward! That's not Jenny!

[She makes a grab for the back of his clothing.]

Pirates, Father, look! And you said we would never come across any. Can I meet one? You'll protect me won't you?

It's probably for the better that we don't speak with the pirates. Damnation - Jenny, that's enough!

[ With Jenny quickening her pace Edward does so himself in order to keep up with the girl, seconds before Mary's fingers can snatch at the back of his robes and pull him back. ]

[She growls in frustration. So close. Going against hasn't worked thus far, so perhaps this is no different. Maybe she'll just have to see where this goes.]

Catch her, Edward!

[Before Mary hangs herself. Christ.]

What d'you think I'm trying to sodding do?

[ He shouts back over his shoulder, just as frustrated. By now he's out of the library and racing up the hallway to where the staircase sits. To Edward he's running along the docks, his boots heavy against the rickety wood. ]

We're almost there, Father, don't give up yet!

[No good. Mary keeps right on his tail, hoping his mind will let him think he's caught Jenny. Going up doesn't bode well for anyone.]

[ There's no catching up to her it seems, not in the case of the little girl abruptly disappearing before his very eyes and stopping him dead in his tracks. Edward has to lean forward with his hands on his knees, panting raggedly from the length of that run, up the stairs, through another floor of the library and up another set of stairs.

Jenny's name is gasped out while he tries to regain his breath. Nearly into his third decade on this earth, he shouldn't be this winded. ]

Fuck.

[She'd preserved her energy, not running full out. When he stops, she uses the opportunity to round him and get in front of him, reaching out to put hands on his shoulders. Keep him there.]

Don't think you heard the part where I told you to not go runnin' off on me again.

I heard you well, Carol--

[ His head lifts to meet the woman standing before him, ready to argue, and the words are caught in his throat. ]

Mary?

[ What in the Nine Hells is going on? Where was Caroline?

Edward stares at her and doesn't feel her hands on his shoulders, his eyes taking in the sight of her there. Her hair is down and around her face, grime caked to her skin, stuck in the scars at her brow and cheek.

Then his eyes drop down the length of her body; soiled underclothes, covered in dirt and whatever else. There's blood at the front of her hips, further down between. The suffocating stench of infection threatens to choke him.

No.

Edward wrenches himself back suddenly out of her reach, his expression one of horror and disbelief. This can't be happening.

All he can do is back up and shake his head, throat tight ]

This... You're...

[ This is the stuff of his nightmares, nightmares in which he's helpless to save her, can only watch her die before his eyes over and over, powerless to get her out of the Jamaican prison while the sounds of guards shouting in the distance reach his ears.

And in every one of them: She blamed him. ]

[Mary. Finally. There's recognition, and she's glad for it. It doesn't occur to her that he's still seeing something else, instead just reacting to the shock of Caroline being there one moment and then her in the next, so she doesn't reach after him.]

I'm right here, Kenway. Right here. [She pats the lapels of her coat, loud enough to make sound. Solid and real. Alive.]

Nothing is wrong. Calm yourself.

[ His mind registers the sound of her hands patting her chest, she's solid, she's talking to him. She looks so tired, in such pain, and there's not a damned thing he can do to ease her suffering and that in itself is what hurts him the most.

Edward's attention drops again to the blood, bright red and fresh against the white of her underclothes. A reminder of his failures. ]

No. No, you're not.

[ Everything about this is wrong. So wrong. ]

You shouldn't be.

[ He steps away from her, twists to look at the dark brick walls of the prison with wild eyes darting everywhere and trying to see for a way out. Is it still possible for him to get her out? Maybe, just maybe. ]

We shouldn't be here; I need to get you away. I need to...

[ The rest trails off on a trembling breath. The guards are getting closer. ]

[You shouldn't be. True, but it stings nonetheless. He's in a panic, and Mary steps towards him.]

You need to listen to me, Edward. Whatever you think you're hearing or seeing, it ain't true.

[She extends a hand, palm upwards, an invitation to touch.]

I'm well. So are you.

[ First Caroline and then Mary. Before that, Thatch. Their souls lost to the sea.

Edward focuses on the hand she extends to him, making no move to take it. ]

Everyone I've ever loved- [ His gaze lifts to meet and hold hers, his brows drawing together. He has to clench his jaw to keep the tremor at his chin away. He'll forever be staring at a ghost. ] -I've failed.

There's not a woman or man I love left at my side, Mary.

[ And that included her, in more ways than one, or maybe more than she realized. ]

Mary-- [ Her name comes out pitifully, sadly, as Edward then lifts his hand to touch to hers, his finger tips ghosting over her upwards palm. ]

[When he touches her hand, she lets her fingers catch his.]

I'm here now. You know that, Kenway. Use your head. [There was more intelligence in it than most would give him credit for at first glance. She steps forward as she pulls him in, to guide his head to her shoulder.] And if you'd done that earlier, you'd realize you didn't fail me.

[A thing to say maybe when he's not hallucinating. She takes note of that. She never expected him to save her from that prison, because once the fever gripped her she knew she wouldn't be leaving it alive. And then he'd gone and made something of himself.]

You did your part. You did right by me.

[ At first Edward doesn't fight it, doesn't fight her. His head rests at her shoulder as his arms wrap around her, his fingers curling in the back of her clothing. He holds her tightly to him, flush, as if that will keep her there, in his arms, nearby. ]

No - had I worked harder at freeing myself I would've gotten to you sooner.

[ At least she hadn't died alone; it was something he continuously told himself day in and day out in Paradisa. He'd been there to keep her company until the very end. ]

You would be with Anne and Ah Tabai. You would be alive still. I would have you at my side.

[ He has to lean away, hands finding their way to her face to cup it. His thumb brushes over a smudge of dirt as if that would clean it away. ]

Where you belong, Mary.

[Once more her hands rest on the back of his head, trying to soothe him with gentle touches she rarely uses.]

None of that matters now. I'm with you. [For however long the castle deemed it fit for them to stay together. None of it will matter, in the grand scheme of things, but it's nice to have the familiarity and the companionship after everything. It'd been comforting to have him there at the end and it was comforting to have him around her once more, even if their parting made it difficult.]

You're at my side more often than not. Can't hardly breathe without you going up my nose.

Don't ever leave me, Mary. [ Edward leans forward, close so that his nose brushes hers. His mouth hovers dangerously close to hers but before he can close that tiny gap, last minute he decides it might be better to brush his lips over her brow and then again at her temple, trailing them to her cheek.

Those words are repeated on a whisper as his arms then wind around her once more.

He wants to ask for her forgiveness; Edward truly believes they would've had a chance in getting her out and to a physician in time had he not made a muck of things. ]

[She has to close her eyes. This stupid man. Weighing himself down with all of this and not saying a word of it when she'd drunkenly admitted her fears to him.

I'll be with you, Kenway. I will. Hollow words, but she'd been with him. Carried in his heart in the form of guilt and motivation to better himself. Build himself. She's not sure what she intended aside from momentary comfort with those last few sentences, but she'll never regret saying them because they left an impact. She sees it every day.]

Hush, hush. [Like soothing a child. Mary pulls him towards her once more, the small difference in their height making it easy for her to lean the side of her face against his, arms securely around him.] I ain't going nowhere, Kenway. Shh, shh.

You will. Everyone does. [ They have.

Edward leans the side of his face to hers, savors the moment, and then steps away. ]

We should see about getting you changed. Your clothes, Mary...

[ He doesn't want to point out the obvious yet his eyes lower once again. It's difficult to ignore the blood.

What a painful reminder. ]

[No use trying to convince him in this state.

Mary glances down at her clothing, clean as they've ever been, and decides this is at least a way to keep him in sight.]

Aye. Help me walk, Kenway. I know where to go.

You do?

[ But he's carefully taking her arm to drape over the back of his shoulders, his body leaning down so it's easier on her and so she can lean her weight into him. ]

[It's awkward, situated like this, but she'll still start leading them towards the exit. It brings back too many unpleasant memories and she tries to keep most of her weight for herself.]

I do. This way. It's safe. We'll get you comfortable as well.

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how do you show, what can't but should be

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