paradisalogs | what do you go home to?

Entry tags:

what do you go home to?

Who: Stefan and Damon Salvatore
What: Comparing notes, catching up
When: Today, this afternoon.
Where: Death Match
Rating: PG but it is Damon?

Stefan knew he'd never go back to Katherine. There'd been too much time. There'd been decades of lies, initial compulsions... That was never the issue. But, after that conversation, he felt he'd come to understand her, to understand where she'd been coming from. From what he'd heard of Klaus, people ran from him, including Katherine. He didn't know what the conversation had meant, however. All he knew was that as a human, he'd felt things deeply and he hadn't been able to mute those feelings. He hadn't been able to hold back what he had been thinking, how hid trust had been completely and utterly broken back before the turn of the century.

But, he also had no idea if he believed her when she said she had no agenda. She hadn't gone after Elena that he knew of. And they were together. So, what was bothering him?

One thing was for sure, he was going to continue to keep this to himself. But, he needed to touch base with Damon, see if he had any Valentines Day experiences to write home about. Maybe he'd made headway with Lana. Lana, who he'd kissed around Christmas time.

Another secret kept.

That was what this castle was to him. Secrets piling up. Blood addiction. Kisses. Katherine. Good thing he could handle it all.

It had been a while since they'd had time together as brothers. Stefan ordered them each a glass of bourbon. He had a lot on his mind, lately whether it was Valentines Day with Buffy, his time in Paris and the very revealing conversation he'd had with Katherine - or, the fact that he hadn't told Elena about it. Valentines Day, he had. Elena had been in a similar situation and that hadn't been a big deal. But, he couldn't help but think the castle was saying something, that it saw something.

"How are things with Faith? Or, is it Lana. I lose track," he said, trying to start conversation.

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"Mmm, sudden interest in my non-Elena Gilbert romantic affairs. Why, Brother, one might think you're preemptively deflecting." Damon smirked as he turned on his bar stool to face Stefan, leaning his elbow on the bar and taking a long drink from his scotch. He had better up in his room. "You're not interested in Faith, and Lana wants nothing to do with you, which means something is troubling your broody little slice of paradise."

"Or, it means I want to catch up with my brother," he shot back, not too quickly. He'd had Damon experience. Damon would call him on quickness as well. "And you're wrong. When she's a vampire slayer whose vampire slayer friend I ended up spending Valentines Day with, I do." Another beat followed. "And Lana wants something to do with you?"

This was why he was asking.

It didn't matter that he was troubled, that his slice of paradise was rocked, that he was questioning being with Elena as they'd been broken up back home. But, he wasn't starting the conversation off with that.

He didn't feel like being a hypocrite yet.

Even though he was.

"Buffy? And you're still in one piece? I'm impressed, Brother." Damon returned the jab with a sneer, draining his glass the rest of the way and sliding it across the bar to get refilled. "Lana's a work in progress. And Faith remains, as always, a friend. You must be remember what it's like to have those. Some far off, distant, brooding memory?"

How did he get to be the brother people needed to watch for. It had been the public posts. Since then, he'd cleaned up, gotten back on the wagon. He'd also been very mindful of where his journal was. But, it seemed as if he was slowly rising above that colorful reputation. Just... not withe everyone.

"I didn't try to kill her, Damon." Or, sleep with her for that matter, he kept back. "Easy to stay in one piece." He swirled the scotch around in his glass. "In what world am I the brother without friends."

"This world. Where have you been since the cruise?" Damon scoffed. Maybe he hadn't been making the most of finally being the good brother, now that it occurred to him, but somewhere along the lines, since Stefan attacked Lilah and Lana, it had seemed to be the general consensus amongst the hunter/Slayer types. It was no wonder Damon was surprised by Buffy's friendliness.

"Making up for everything since," he replied. "Being a better person. Not drinking from people. Working." He looked at his brother. "Do you even have a job?" Or, some sense of responsibility?

"Maybe this is a surprise for you, Stefan, but we don't need to work. It's a little thing called compulsion. Wishing up all the cash we need. Try it some time, mm?" His eyebrows jumped up briefly and he downed the rest of his drink. "I don't get you. First you're the dutiful school boy for almost a century and now, what, you're a pie-maker? Why are you so desperate to pretend you're human?"

"Damon, I'm not pretending I'm human," he said. He'd made that impossible here but those were his mistakes and his alone. "But, it gives me something to focus on, something for my hands to work with. You don't like the sense of accomplishment?" He leaned his head forward slightly, eyebrows raising. "I also needed a break from the library. Not surprisingly, not much can be learned about this place."

He grimaces, looking away and then back, licking his lips, trying to form his words careful.

"I know this is funny coming from me - what with my track record here but you do need to be careful. And since when should I be happy about you taking away someone's choices to - to keep from spending money? What you did with Lilah, it's -- what you do. I know that. But, I hope you're not doing that with Faith or Lana. Because that will end badly for you."

That hurts.

It hurts a lot more than Damon expected it should. Stefan was making conclusions from what he knew about Damon. What Damon had done. And Damon had a lot of things that he probably shouldn't have -- that he didn't have to do. To Lilah. To plenty of women. But, Faith and Lana were different. Just like Elena was different.

The hurt barely reaches his eyes, though. He's more guarded than that. He knows how to bury it deep inside and act out instead of letting anyone know they hurt him. He'd rather hurt others to make himself feel better. He sneers.

"And if I am? What are you gonna do, brother? Fight me for their honor?" There's a scoff, then he slides his bar stool back and gets to his feet, raising his dukes. "Come on. It'll be fun, just like old times."

Stefan has no doubt that something - somewhere might be different with them. He's still getting used to Damon not being in Elena's business. He hasn't gotten used to whatever... Damon had felt towards Elena disappearing.

Stefan smirks, eyes upward as he sits back in his chair.

"Fun is... one word for it, Damon." He looks back down at his brother. "And something is -" While troubling isn't a word he would use, something it on his mind and there's a reason for brotherly bonding. " - on my mind."

"Do I get to know what this something is, or are you just interested in keeping me guessing?" He dropped his fists, because it wasn't about fighting him now. It was about his brother needing him for something -- or, rather, that was how it sounded. He smirked. "Need help hiding a body?"

"As hard as it is to believe I've managed to not bite anyone." He managed to not kill, maim, or attack anyone. Ontop of that, he hadn't erased anyone's mind. It meant that he could take the higher horse that he liked to take so much - as Damon would put it.

"It's Katherine," he finally said. Because, wasn't it always. "We spoke in Paris and things were said. I don't... know what we should do with her," he added, trying to choose his words carefully. "What we can do with her." He picked up his glass again. "In Mystic Falls she made it clear that Elena and I couldn't be together." It didn't make sense. What changed. No, Katherine wasn't running from Klaus here but if anything Katherine should've been happier. She had both brothers in the castle with her - a few floors away.

"And, what, you're worried she's fallen out of twu love with you now that she's not spending her days devising a way to keep you lovebirds apart?" Damon scoffed as he took his seat beside Stefan again, shaking his head. "Who cares? It's about time she got over it. We both are." Right? Both? There's a sidelong look at that, but it's not too pressing, just trying to observe Stefan's reaction to the comment.

He doesn't hesitate as he responds.

"We are," he confirms, knowing somewhere inside, Damon is sighing with relief. Though, he figures his brother is still suspicious. Elena did help him get over her - without knowing it but he is most definitely over Katherine Pierce.

"I'm worried that if we let our guard down..." Maybe Katherine will do something? But, it makes no sense. Katherine has made it clear. She's done nothing. She's tried to do nothing. "It wouldn't make sense if we didn't already know she's from after us. But, she is. I don't know. Maybe the problem isn't Katherine," he says, looking at Damon again.

"Things with Elena are good. They're really good."

"Then, what's the problem?" His voice was unforgiving in its complaint. Why was he listening to Stefan bitch about his complete lack of problems? Not his favorite way to spend an evening. "You've got Elena, I'm not exactly vying to steal her out from under you, Katherine's adopted a claws-off policy -- and, believe me, I've been keeping an eye on her. You're the one who said leave her alone 'til she tries something. Personally, I've been on team she's always trying something."

"It's easy, Damon. It's all..." He trailed off. "Too easy." This wasn't how Stefan's life went. He traveled from place to place, stayed away from people, kept everyone at arms' length before he stuck a foot in the real world and Damon came and ruined it. And then Mystic Falls, 2009. Things weren't easy to say the least.

Damon could mock him. He felt foolish enough. He was happy, he was with the woman he loved and yet... he was waiting for the other shoe to drop? He closed his eyes, trying to shake his head of these ridiculous thoughts.

"Nothing for us lasts this long." Or, long at all, he wanted to say.

Damon stared at him for a long moment. It was almost insulting. From where Damon sat, everything came to Stefan easy. As long as he kept to the bunnies, he was just swell. Damon was the one who had to fight for everything that he had, every inch he won in someone's favor. Stefan didn't know what it felt like to have to fight for it. People just accepted his redemption. If you could call it that. Meanwhile, Damon was the monster.

That was how it always went. So, to hear Stefan complaining about how easy it was, as if that were something new for him. It was laughable. And laugh Damon did -- not openly, no, his avenue for mocking was equally overt, but much more artistic. Snark.

"Run. Get out while you still can," He advised somberly. "And be sure to self-flagellate extra tonight to make up for it."

"Damon," he tried, realizing how pointless this was. It was a low point for sure. But, he'd get over it. His brooding would pass and he wouldn't have even needed to bring it up with Damon. But, his general sense of foreboding would go away and he knew that now.

"I'm happy. And I'm not trying to - take it for granted." He sucked in a breath, looking away. Yep, this was a mistake.

"Of course you're not. Even I figured that one out. But what I can't figure out is what exactly you are trying to do, if not that." Damon scrutinized him with exaggeratedly squinty eyes, looking his brother up and down. "Trouble finds us sooner or later, Stefan. Only an idiot would go looking for it."

"I'm not looking for it. If anything, I've been avoiding it. I've been doing better and making up for the slip-ups I had," he made sure to say. "I'm trying to live, Damon."

"Maybe it's time to give up the dream, Brother." After a beat, he went on to explain, "You're not exactly alive, Stefan. Living is always gonna be just out of our grasp." You made sure of that. He managed to keep the snide remark inside, because he knew he'd regret it if it came out. He didn't hate his brother, not anymore -- maybe not ever. But, it didn't make it any easier to consciously relinquish the hold on that grudge.

"So, what - I should give up trying to live my life?" He kept back the word, 'normal' because that was what it was always about. Wasn't it? He returned to Mystic Falls to live out high school again. To live a normal life.

"Isn't that the advice you're looking for?" Damon raised an eyebrow, the question genuine. "There's a reason you're so dissatisfied, brother."

"And what is that reason, Damon?," he asked, not needing the answer but challenging his brother, anyway. "Enlighten me."

"Because in all that brooding you've been doing in the past fifty years, it never once occurred to you that maybe all your trying to fit into the human world might finally succeed. You wouldn't be spending your days alphabetizing your sins if you thought you deserved to be one of them." He downs the rest of his drink. "Give it up, Stefan. You're not one of them. And the closer you get, the more obvious it'll be. That's why you're here. That's why Katherine not trying to tear apart your little lovenest with Elena is driving you up the wall."

"So, you think Elena and I are doomed," he said, coming up with his own, pretty accurate translation. Stefan Salvatore and Elena Gilbert wouldn't last. She'd grow old, she'd want kids. She doesn't want to be a vampire.

"I think the more you try and wedge yourself into humanity, the more obvious it'll become that you don't belong with them." Damon hesitated, setting down his glass and then turning to give Stefan a very hard look. He'd been the one to mention Elena. He'd been the one to drop all of these hints, and now it was time for some tough love.

"Let me make one thing very clear to you. You've already dragged her into our business. Made her life Hell." He may not love her in the same way he had before, but he still loved her, and -- "If you break her heart, after everything we've put it through, I'll tear yours out."

Elena being a doppelganger would have dragged her into all of this no matter if Stefan had appeared or not. Or, if Stefan hadn't found her, maybe she would've stayed off of everyone's radar. Who knew anymore. But, his words stung. Stefan couldn't have this leg to stand on. It was hardly usable, flimsy at best. He knew how he'd sound if he said it out loud.

Yes, in the beginning it was Stefan's drama.

"You seem to forget at the very beginning my hell was you," he said. Damon hit a nerve, a deep nerve that he hadn't earned. He didn't love Elena anymore. Not like that. "I don't want to break her heart."

"I haven't forgotten. And, Elena hasn't either. But that's not the issue, is it? I'm not the one sitting here drinking because things are going too well with my girlfriend." Damon arched an eyebrow in return, not looking put-off by Stefan's remark. It was hardly a jab, really. Damon had gotten used to his role as the villain.

"I'm not sitting here because things are going too well, Damon. I'm sitting here because they can't always be like this." Because, he may have just realized that he and Elena couldn't work out - not in reality, not in the long run, not ever. But, surprise surprise, Damon not being helpful. He missed Lexi. At least she wouldn't judge him.

No, she'd give him shots and tell him to snap out of it. Then she'd ask if he really loved Elena.

... And if he did, then what else mattered?

Nothing?

"You know, most people would just enjoy the ride while it lasts," Damon returned chidingly. His brother didn't want to see the inherent problem in his paranoid of the relationship, which meant Damon had to take the time to point it out to him. "You either love her and you're willing to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop because you can deal with it when it does, making you an ass for being paranoid to begin with, or you don't. In which case, you're an ass for dragging it out."

"You know I love her." He loved her more than anything. There wasn't a question of that. In his own way, Damon said the same thing Lexi would have - maybe in more of a tough love capacity. With less shots. He ordered another drink, suddenly wanting to be less sober in this moment.

"Is it enough?" This time, the question was genuinely curious. He'd simpled it up -- or, at least, he thought he had -- when the castle had taken his romantic feelings for Elena. The only way he could look at the situation was from an outsider's perspective now.

"I don't know," he answered honestly. Was it enough? How would he know? But, he knew he couldn't just drag Elena along in his existential crisis. Before ending up here he would have told him, of course. Why couldn't it be?

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