paradisalogs | where does the heart reside if not where i lay my head?

Entry tags:

where does the heart reside if not where i lay my head?

Who: Lee & Clementine (& maybe Ben, later!)
What: Discussing Carley's departure. :(
When: Backdated to shortly after she leaves.
Where: Their room in the castle.
Rating: PG, perhaps PG-13 for possible discussions of death.

Lee had known it would happen, sooner or later. That wasn't to say that he was prepared for it, because that wasn't the case at all; after over a year living in this castle, he still never seemed to manage to prepare for anything that got thrown at him.

Knowing it would happen meant that it winded him instead of knocking him down entirely, meant that he at least had a mental laundry list of prepared facts that he could bring up to comfort himself. This was more than she'd had before. She'd been happy here, he told himself, comfortable in a way that no one was able to afford at home. Wasn't that something? Lee had to believe it was.

When he steps into the room (miniature apartment, really, considering the way its current layout), he has the journal closed and tucked away into his pocket. "Clem? Honey - you here?" Her name was still on the door - he hadn't lost them both, but it'd been the relief of a fear he hadn't realized he'd had until he'd seen it, and that relief might just be audible in his voice when he calls for her.

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Every day held either one of two things: insanity, or nothing really of note. She feels like it's more often the latter, but when she hears Lee call for her she's at attention, like she's expected the former all along. Which she sort of does, to be honest. Better safe than sorry.

It's only moments before her head pokes out of her bedroom, pigtails a little messy because she'd been laying on her bed reading.

"What's wrong?"

Lee hates that his kneejerk response is another wave of relief, hates that he isn't able to mask it in time. He slides his hand over his head and shakes his head as he shuts the door behind him. "Come here for a second? Things are alright, but - we need to talk about something."

It's moments like these when Clementine is impressed that Lee was never a parent before. Her mom and dad sometimes had that tone, though now she can't remember what it is that they would call her for like that.

"What... is it that we need to talk about?"

She sends a glance towards where Ben's room now is. He hasn't gotten into trouble lately, not since that incident with the bloater.

"It's-"

And it's clear then that the next words out of his mouth are a little difficult to say, just because he knows that there aren't going to be a lot of ways to interpret them. There isn't a way to mask this, to build gently into it without it simply being insulting.

"...about Carley. I'm sorry, Clementine."

There's not much more Lee needs to say than that. Clementine lowers her eyes, one hand resting against her door frame. Carley's gone, which means Carley is dead. She's always been so terrified about Lee leaving that she feels a heavy pang of guilt--Ben and Carley were in the same situation, and now Carley was gone, back to being a pile of bones on the side of a road somewhere.

It's not fair. And it's not fair to Lee.

"I should be the one saying sorry," she says.

"Don't know why you'd say that."

Lee eases himself down into a seat. He feels like he's wearing his age more than he ever has now; not that he's ever considered himself particularly old - he isn't - but sometimes, maybe, it's easy to trick himself.

"Wouldn't change a thing. Not if I had a chance. I just wanted to make sure you knew."

Carley was his friend, he liked her, and then she had died. Here, they were dating, and now she's gone. Dead, again.

"Thanks for telling me," she responds, moving to sit down next to him. There should be so much more to say, but she's drawing a blank. After a while, you just get used to people going--both here and at home.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Lee pauses, before he leans in and reaches out, moving to grab her hand with his. Did honesty ever get easier? Right now, he's not entirely convinced that it would.

"-- actually, no. I'm not. But I'll get there. Just gonna miss her."

"Me, too." She's always appreciated Lee's honesty. Mostly because if he did try to lie, it would be pretty easy to tell. She fits herself against his side and hopes he'll be alright soon.

"What do you think happens after?"

After being somewhat vague. After you leave Paradisa, after you die. Maybe it's insensitive to ask a man that's dead what he thinks is in store for him, but the question's already out by the time that thought forms.

"Couldn't tell you. Sort of scary, isn't it?"

Insensitive, maybe, but it's a thought that he's given an unsurprising amount of his time. The way he tightens his arm around her is natural, though, utterly without thought. "Maybe we end up another place like here. Hard to really discount anything anymore, isn't it?"

That's about how she feels. She grew up with the idea that heaven was a place, but the dead coming back to life sort of screwed that thought up. She'd like to think her parents were someplace nice, far away from whatever terror they experienced at the end, but...

"Yeah. I hope there's someplace better than this, though. Paradisa is nice, but it's still pretty crappy to us."

"Who's to say."

Lee falls quiet then, not really sure what else to say, not really sure that he wants to say anything else -- but then he hears himself talking before he realizes he made the decision to.

"I'm proud of you, you know. How well you're taking this - how well you've taken everything. Feel like maybe I don't say that enough."

"I know." Now that she's older, she appreciates Lee all the more. He took on a child that he had no ties to, and not only did he always put her first, he never let her see any frustrations he felt about that predicament.

He's never needed to say that he's proud of her. She can feel it when he looks at her, talks to her. Of course, he'd only heard about what happened after his death--he never saw Clem change, only saw her once the change had already happened. It's easier to hide the things she dislikes about herself now.

"Don't think you haven't said anything enough. Not to say that I don't like hearing it, but I know."

"Hey-" He stops himself when he realizes how much more strongly his tone is than he intends it to be, and he has to halt, to amend it and himself. "Just because you know doesn't mean I'm off the hook for saying it, right?"

Maybe that was something Ben could stand to hear a little more of, too. Jesus. There was no telling how he was going to take this, and Lee's eyes and head move toward his door in a way that is so unsubtle that it borders on legitimately impressive.

"You weren't on the hook to begin with," Clementine points out, with a fond smile and a gentle nudge against his side. There's not a thing she can think of that would land Lee on any of her hooks.

Her gaze follows Lee's. Ben. Poor Ben.

"I bet Ben would like to hear that. He might not believe you, but you should tell him. He's been handling everything here as well as he can." Being alive again, a magical castle, people leaving. She's not sure if Ben is doing any real coping, but him agreeing to live with them said a lot. It meant he was willing to try to do what's best for himself.

"... we need to tell Ben about Carley." And he didn't want to admit it, but he was worried about this, worried about him. "You know if he's in his room?" He'd dropped his voice, made it just a little quieter. God, he hoped Ben hadn't just found out about her leaving by overhearing this through the door.

"Yeah." Just what Ben needs: a reminder that none of this is certain, that he may be dead again any moment depending on the castle's mood. "I don't know. I think he is..."

Lee leans a little in Clementine's direction, briefly shutting his eyes. "Should I check?" He knows the answer - he just might need that little push from Clem.

Oh, she knows. So he gets a firm nod.

"He should hear it from you."

Lee sighs out loud, before leaning forward and pushing himself to his feet. He hesitates in front of Ben's doors, before rapping his knuckles against it.

"Hey, Ben. You in there?"

While once she would have stayed where she was, now Clementine gets up to stand by Lee's side. Sure, it might be a little scary for Ben to see the both of them there, but they were all in this together.

Ben hadn't been listening in, rather, he'd fallen back on the grand teenaged habit of listening to music and pretending no one else existed for a while. It was nice, sometimes, to try to pretend he was normal again. Even he wouldn't ignore a knock at the door, and headphones around his neck, hew opens it to peer out.

"Yeah, what's..." oh, those were not happy faces. He falters, unsure. "...Is something up?"

Lee manages to keep the wince internal, at least, even as he drops a hand down to lightly rest on Clementine's shoulder. "You have a second to talk, Ben?" That's definitely an answer in the affirmative.

She has the urge to add something, but there's nothing she can say that wouldn't make this situation even worse. So, she just offers Ben a small, sad smile. It's not going to be nice, but they'll be okay.

Ben glances between the two of them, worry rising in his chest. This was bad. This was going to be so bad.

"I...yeah. Sure."

No reason to drag it out, Lee thinks wearily, before tilting his head slightly at Ben in a gesture that's meant to be cautious sympathy. "Carley's gone. As of this morning - I wanted to let you know."

It's sad how easily Lee is able to say it, but Clementine imagines she'd be able to deliver it just the same. It's more surprising when people stay, live. They were supposed to be done with that.

Oh. And there it was. Ben felt his heart sink down into his stomach. Carley, gone back to nothing but death. A death, no matter what she would say otherwise, was all his fault. One of the few people in the group who wanted him around, dead at the side of the road, thanks to him. Her second chance at the castle ripped away from her overnight, while he still stays here, breathing and unworthy of it.

"Oh," is all he manages, and at best it sounds painfully hollow.

Lee knows how to comfort Clementine. Maybe he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids, but it's different with her. Comforting Ben, on the other hand, is a different beast entirely. He's not oblivious to the hollowness in Ben's voice - in fact, he feels like his own insides ring a little with it - but leaning over and drawing the boy into a hug is probably the last thing that either of them want right now, and definitely the last thing that might help.

"Yeah."

He takes a breath, hit with the sudden feeling that he hasn't really let himself acknowledge how much this hurts yet. Later, maybe, but not now.

"...do you want to talk about it?"

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where does the heart reside if not where i lay my head?

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i should PP tf :x

we need someone tall in this thread

incoming tall, repeat prepare for incoming tall

don't forget the gangly

and awkward

yes both of these things too

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