paradisalogs | [closed]

Who:

wastheexample
What: Medicating with Jack Daniels
When: This evening
Where: The Lux
Rating: R for language, dark themes

Misery loves company.

So, after spending an unintentional week in isolation after her talk with Carolina, South left a brief filter for Haymitch in the journals, You. Me. Lux. Now., and headed down to the lounge to wait for him.

After finally coming to terms with the news she'd received, she'd fallen into a numb state, and now just the thought of being next to another person was comforting in a way she wasn't prepared to admit. Of the teammates who either shunned her or who she had shunned, and of the people that she'd randomly met since she'd arrived, Haymitch was the only one that sprang to mind when she couldn't stand to be alone any longer.

When he arrives, she'll be leaning her arms across the bar and resting her chin against them, staring into the bubbles trapped in the ice in her glass.

Believe it or not, she's already set a second drink aside for him.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Oh," Haymitch frowns a little.

Of course, he's always been rather high on his own totem pole. He gave the appearance of someone dredging the bottom, when he was the one pulling the strings, playing the chess pieces, pushing the game the way he wanted it. Just like the Gamemakers did to him, he was giving them a taste of their own medicine, and half the time they didn't even realise it.

Until now. Now he'd have to deal with a whole new set of players, and he had a feeling he wouldn't quite be in his cherished top spot for much longer.

"Then outsmart them."

South lays her arms against the bar and sets her chin on them, like she was at the beginning, tipping slightly to look up at Haymitch. "Is it really worth it, though? I mean, I already got the important stuff. I'm not sure there's anything else I want to know."

Like, whether or not North went crazy before she manipulated his death, or what happened to her after the fact. She knew the existence of the AIs now, that two of them were in teh castle, and though she hadn't met Delta -- who was the reason she shot Wash, apparently -- Gary was sort of an insufferable prick.

Haymitch's face fell into a heavy frown. He'd been given everything, after they'd taken his family away. His home in the Victor's Village, a life of luxury, never having to work, worry where his next meal was coming from. For a kid from the Seam, it was unheard of, something they didn't even dare dream of.

"You won't have your freedom."

"Not like it's all it's cracked up to be." South mutters. Yeah, freedom had been what she'd been fighting for, in a sense, but it just wasn't the same without North.

"No, it probably wouldn't be," Haymitch sighed, turning his glass this way and that, watching how the light reflected in it. "But it's better than having no freedom at all."

South doesn't answer for the longest time, staring into her glass and thinking on Haymitch's words, thinking back to her world, the ranking board, how things were before she came here, before she found out. She'd been angry at the world then, but now she was just confused and lost. She frowns.

"Is it ... ?"

Haymitch's own frown deepens. Of course, he hasn't experienced true freedom yet, and he knows he won't for a while, if he even makes it through the Rebellion at all. After all, he's not as young as he used to be and war...well, it was very much a young person's game.

"It has to be."

"Does it." South almost whispers, still managing to sound unconvinced. She finished up her glass and moves to pour another, but hesitates as she wraps her hand around the bottle, a sudden clear thought barging its way though the alcoholic haze. "What's freedom if you don't know what to do with it?

It had been something he'd thought of too. If they beat the Capitol...what then? For generations the people of Panem had lived in subjugation, would any of them really know how to handle the freedom suddenly given to them?

"It's something you can work on, from the ground up. It's terrifying, and you don't know what's around the next corner, but it's yours"

And he pretty much just worded what's been on her mind. It has been terrifying, in its own little way, trying to exist without North. Instead of pouring another drink she pushes her glass and the bottle out of the way and just rests her head against bar, talking muffled into the counter somewhat pathetically.

"I don't know who I am." Yup, the alcohol was really starting to take effect now.

Haymitch watched her for a moment, before shrugging, hunching his shoulders a little as he stared at the table-top.

"If you can show me one person who does know who they are, utterly and completely, I'll show you a liar."

South peeks up at Haymitch. Carolina certainly acted like she knew who she was. York and Wyoming seemd pretty confident -- no one acted outwardly like South felt inside. Even Haymitch seemed, to her, to have it more together.

"Even you?"

"Especially me," Haymitch frowned, staring at the woodgrain as if all the answers of the universe were hidden there. "Most of who I knew I was got lost in that Arena."

She watches him quietly. That arena was really starting to sound much more frightening then anything she could even begin to imagine.

"That's a long time to be lost." She muses, trying to imagine going through that for herself.

He could tell her things about his Arena that would give her nightmares for life. After all, the Capitol sure did want to make Quarter Quells the most interesting of all. They were a big deal.

"Yeah, It is," he admits quietly. "You give up on getting found again, eventually."

She stares at the bottle, wondering if she'd ever be found or if she was destined to this feeling of conflict without resolution for the rest of her life.

"So I should ... stop looking?" She sounds unsure, abot what sort of answer she's expecting, or really even just what she means by it. She's frowning intently at the bottle label, as if trying to fiure out he mysteries of the universe through whiskey content.

"I don't know, maybe you still have some hope left in you," Haymitch shrugged. "Just because I gave up, doesn't mean everyone else should."

"Maybe. Guess I'll keep looking." She doesn't sound too enthused about it at this point. It's been a long week for her.

"Then more luck to you," Haymitch replied with something like a smile. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

He surprised himself that he sincerely did hope she found what she was looking for. That was rare.

"Hopefully I'll know it if I find it." South rubs her hands over her face and sighs. She still ached, from the lingering hurt and mental exhaustion, but it was good to get out and get talking like this.

She stills her movements for a moment, just thinking about North, and then adds quietly, "Thanks for -- you know. It's no fun to drink alone."

Haymitch was silent for a moment, before giving a small nod.

"It's okay. Sometimes we all need a little company, once in a while."

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