Jane Crocker (
cyan_maid) wrote in
paradisalogs2013-02-08 11:11 pm
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Entry tags:
Maybe We Don't Need Anyone (As More Than Friends)
Who: Jane Crocker and Dirk Strider
What: Robot concerns lead to the complicated shenanigans that are Alpha Kids' romance problems.
When: February 8th, evening-ish
Where: Dirk's Room
Rating: PG-13 I guess?
Snickerdoodles had not been worth the trouble - of this, Jane was absolutely certain. She should have had Anna make a great big cake that everyone could share. It would have come with much less embarrassment. But no, her burgeoning hopes of a castle experience filled with pastries had been crushed, all because she could not figure out what was wrong with Anna.
It had only been the second time she had brought Anna out to bake, and the robot had begun to malfunction. At first she stalled in the middle of performing steps, but each stall lasted longer and longer, until, when everything was ready to go in the oven, Anna had dropped the filled pans and shut down completely. Jane nearly cried when she saw all the lovely batter pooling on the floor.
Well, so much for that spice cake.
There was obviously something wrong with Anna, but what? Dirk would know better than anyone, so that is where she was going. Somehow, she had managed to bring the robot up to the third floor, and, not even sure if Dirk was around, Jane rapped on his door.
"Hello? Is anybody home?"
What: Robot concerns lead to the complicated shenanigans that are Alpha Kids' romance problems.
When: February 8th, evening-ish
Where: Dirk's Room
Rating: PG-13 I guess?
Snickerdoodles had not been worth the trouble - of this, Jane was absolutely certain. She should have had Anna make a great big cake that everyone could share. It would have come with much less embarrassment. But no, her burgeoning hopes of a castle experience filled with pastries had been crushed, all because she could not figure out what was wrong with Anna.
It had only been the second time she had brought Anna out to bake, and the robot had begun to malfunction. At first she stalled in the middle of performing steps, but each stall lasted longer and longer, until, when everything was ready to go in the oven, Anna had dropped the filled pans and shut down completely. Jane nearly cried when she saw all the lovely batter pooling on the floor.
Well, so much for that spice cake.
There was obviously something wrong with Anna, but what? Dirk would know better than anyone, so that is where she was going. Somehow, she had managed to bring the robot up to the third floor, and, not even sure if Dirk was around, Jane rapped on his door.
"Hello? Is anybody home?"
no subject
She took another breath, and she wanted to say all this, but her tongue felt thick and her throat was tight. Jane sniffed, and brought a hand up to rest her forehead in her palm. She couldn't just sit here and not say anything.
"I got, um. What is it called? 'Friend-zoned', I guess?" It certainly wasn't a term that reflected well on her, but that is what it had felt like, to be constantly reminded of how good a friend she was when she wasn't, she was an awful friend and an awful person who couldn't even be honest about her feelings. "And Jake just...dumped every little thought and detail about those five months on me because of it. And I sat there, and I took it. He - he rarely ever asked after Roxy and I, once we all began splitting up to play the game. He just kept on rambling about you, and adventure, and his Grandma, and I just...couldn't keep smiling and nodding. I couldn't."
Her words came in a rush now, a little high and stressed from the tightness she felt, but she wasn't yelling. She wouldn't let herself yell. "And it was almost my birthday - I made my own cake and Roxy and I made party hats for everyone and I thought, if everyone could be together, and smile, and have fun, even if it was just us and the sprites and Roxy's chess people, things would get better. I wouldn't feel horrible, and Jake wouldn't run off without a word, and - and I don't even know what you're really up to in the future, I only know what I hear from Jake." There were tears in her eyes again, and she rubbed furiously at them. "And he completely forgot. He forgot and he just...apologized and moved on. He wouldn't even listen to how I felt about it."
Breaking up with you was too important, she wanted to say, but she bit her tongue. She had already dug a spectacular hole for herself, and she didn't need to go any deeper.
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As she went on, one thing was certain. He couldn't deny that Jake had handled it badly. Jake wasn't exactly known for his tact or his brains, and Dirk had no trouble believing the things that Jane said. That didn't change the fact that he was still upset though, for a multitude of reasons. Partly at himself, because having it all laid out for him, he couldn't understand his thought processes behind everything, specifically the party. He couldn't fathom why he had decided to skip out on her party.
He wasn't to blame for everything else, though. At least... not from his current perspective. It seemed clear that he hadn't known just how upset Jane had been about everything, and this was a two-way street. Dirk couldn't have known how Jane was feeling, and she hadn't ever told him any of this stuff. So how was he supposed to know? And yet she had blamed it all on him and yelled at him for it. That wasn't fucking cool, in his opinion. Not at all. If she had confided in him, things would probably have turned out differently. He could have done something- what, he didn't know. But something.
"And you never once thought to talk to me about it?" he asked, his voice getting more of an edge to it, as the feelings of hurt started coming back to him at the thought. "I wouldn't have pushed you away. I wouldn't have been upset. I don't exactly know what I would have done, considering I still don't know all of what I was thinking during all of that, but I know myself well enough to know it probably would have turned out so much better if you hadn't withheld everything!" He clenched his fists again, because once more he was getting worked up. "I'm not responsible for Jake's actions and you can't hold them against me- and you can't fucking tell me that you haven't held it against me, because if you didn't, it would not have been ME you exploded at. It would be him!"
Dirk thought he had been over the most of his feelings, that he was calming down, but apparently he was far more bitter about it than he had initially thought, now that he was hearing the whole story from start to finish. "I'll tell you what though, I'm responsible for my own actions. But you never gave me the opportunity to do anything. I clearly didn't know how you were feeling, because you never stopped and said 'Hey Dirk, this is what's up.' And why, because you were afraid of hurting my feelings? Really? Because it sounds like you were just scared to face the fucking situation itself!"
He was being harsh. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth regardless.
no subject
The shout had come out before Jane could catch herself, and she had been seeing red the longer Dirk had talked. There was a little bit of her that agreed with him, that knew she had been scared, so very frightened of something like this. This kind of thing was what broke friends apart, and what she was doing too - didn't that widen the ravine? She was wrong.
The rest of her, at least for now, would vehemently deny that.
"I've screamed at him at home and been nasty to him here the one time I talked to him!" She continued, "I even got angry at Roxy - and no, she doesn't know about that either! I guess I'm just awful all around, huh?!?"
Thinking back on that day, perhaps the only person who actually deserved her anger was Calliope's brother, but he was miles away from this conversation.
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"But instead you bottle it up and then take it out on the people who're supposed to be your friends!" He turned away, stalking over to his bed, kicking aside stray robot parts. He caught sight of Anna in the corner and he had the sudden urge to chuck her out of a window, but he resisted that particular urge, because he knew it would be really fucking childish of him. "Which you just fucking admitted to, and then did for a second god damn time, and now you're throwing a pity party. You want me to agree that you're an awful friend, don't you?"
Well he wasn't. For so many reasons. And before he could stop himself, he said the biggest reason that was currently in his mind.
"But I'm not, because I don't even fuckin' know if I can call you a friend anymore."
His voice came out quiet, a slight quiver, and it sounded sad at that. Sad, angry, hurt. Dirk didn't want it to come to that, but what the fuck was it supposed to come to if she was going to keep acting like she was? Blaming him, yelling at him for stuff he wasn't responsible for- if she was yelling at him for the things he was responsible for, it would be one thing. But she was yelling at him for things that Jake had done. Things he had been oblivious to. It just wasn't fucking fair.
He hated it so fucking much.
no subject
"...Fine," Jane said. Her voice was defeated, and the word hung like a half-deflated balloon struggling to stay afloat. "I'll just leave you, then." Because that's what he wanted, right? Her out of his life and far away where her feelings couldn't bother him or anyone else. She would leave the castle of course - leave her room and talk to people and smile, but tonight would stick in her mind and demand a change. Even now, it was obvious she had done wrong, and it would take more than an apology to make it right. She turned the knob and the door smoothly. She took a step back into the hallway and gave Dirk a brief glance.
It was hard to believe him - not because of who he was, but because Jane couldn't stomach the idea of really losing a friend.
And all this for want of a cake.