paradisalogs | Maybe We Don't Need Anyone (As More Than Friends)

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Maybe We Don't Need Anyone (As More Than Friends)

Who: Jane Crocker and Dirk Strider
What: Robot concerns lead to the complicated shenanigans that are Alpha Kids' romance problems.
When: February 8th, evening-ish
Where: Dirk's Room
Rating: PG-13 I guess?

Snickerdoodles had not been worth the trouble - of this, Jane was absolutely certain. She should have had Anna make a great big cake that everyone could share. It would have come with much less embarrassment. But no, her burgeoning hopes of a castle experience filled with pastries had been crushed, all because she could not figure out what was wrong with Anna.

It had only been the second time she had brought Anna out to bake, and the robot had begun to malfunction. At first she stalled in the middle of performing steps, but each stall lasted longer and longer, until, when everything was ready to go in the oven, Anna had dropped the filled pans and shut down completely. Jane nearly cried when she saw all the lovely batter pooling on the floor.

Well, so much for that spice cake.

There was obviously something wrong with Anna, but what? Dirk would know better than anyone, so that is where she was going. Somehow, she had managed to bring the robot up to the third floor, and, not even sure if Dirk was around, Jane rapped on his door.

"Hello? Is anybody home?"

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If Dirk had any idea that Anna was malfunctioning, he would have been pissed. But as it was, he didn't know much about anything that had been going on outside of his room for the last couple of weeks. He'd pretty much holed up in there since just before February started. It was for a variety of reasons, but most of all because he felt sort of uncomfortable around the rest of them due to their different points in time.

He felt so goddamn out of the loop and it was frustrating. Jane was being weird when he gave her Anna, and he didn't want to talk to her about it because it would only make her feel worse. And then Jake... He'd found out from him that 'they' had both forgotten about Jane's birthday. They as in plural. He didn't know what they implied. It worried him, but god he felt trapped. He didn't know what to do.

And then there was Roxy. Which didn't need any explanation.

So because of the fact that he was so out of the loop, it seemed easier to just fucking avoid everything. It was counter productive, but considering everyone knew more than he did, it was the best course of action in order to not just screw everything up. Or at least it seemed that way to him. So far he had gone relatively undisturbed, except for his meeting with Roxy not too long ago.

And then there was Valentine's day. That in and of itself was reason enough to want to stay in his room, because it brought to mind Jake and everything he couldn't be doing with him. Because he was too afraid to do anything about it given the fact he was so ignorant on what happened. Jake had implied something, but he didn't know if he should take it to mean things had worked out between them, or not. So that was another reason he was holed up in his room with no intention of coming out.

He'd learned from his incident with Roxy, though. It made him feel bad to ignore Jane, but that was exactly what he would do. He looked up when he heard her knock and speak, but then looked back down with no intention of answering.

Jane paused, and waited to see if he would respond. When he did not, she knocked again. The room could be empty...but then again, perhaps he had not heard her. Maybe he was taking one of his fabled ablutions?

"Dirk? Hello? It's me, Jane." She had stood Anna up by the door when she arrived, too winded to even try to knock with the robot in her arms, but now she grabbed her again. "Please, I need to talk to you. It's about Anna."

Dirk let out a sigh at that. On one hand, he still wanted to avoid her. To just... not answer, and let her think that he wasn't in there. Because he really wasn't in the mood to deal with anything- that being the sole reason he'd locked himself in his room. But on the other, he didn't like the idea that Anna might be malfunctioning or something. Confliction. All of the confliction.

"On the scale of 1 to irreparably fucked up, how bad off is she?" he finally called, hoping he wouldn't regret it.

Oh, good! He was in. But why hadn't he answered her the first time, or even opened his door yet? It was a little strange, in Jane's opinion, for he had always been happy to see her before. It wouldn't do to ask him about it outright, though. She would have to be patient.

"I, um." Jane cleared her throat. "I'm not sure. She was stalling when she tried to make a cake, and she dropped the pan on the floor and turned off before we could even get it in the oven. I don't think it's irreparable, but you'd be a better judge than I." She grunted, and shifted Anna in her arms. "Could you please let me in? She's heavy!"

That... didn't make any sense. He'd tested Anna several times before giving her to Jane, and she had worked perfectly. Of course she had- he'd built her, after all. He didn't half-ass things. And Jane hadn't had her long enough for her to malfunction like that. It sounded like years of wear and tear.

With a grunt, he heaved himself off the floor where he was working and made his way over to the door. He didn't want to let Jane in, he didn't want any visitors of any kind. He just wanted to be alone! But he couldn't just leave Jane hanging. So he unlocked and opened the door, immediately moving to take Anna from her arms.

"I'll see what I can do." He said, stepping away and moving so that he could place Anna in the corner. "Was there anything else you needed or is that all?"

It was a relief not to have to carry Anna anymore. Jane rubbed her arms with a sign and peered into the room after Dirk. He must have been doing something on the floor, because it was littered with all sorts of things.

"Anything else?" She asked. Truthfully, there wasn't, but she couldn't help but feel that he was trying to get her our of his hair. She stood at the door for a moment, pondering these words and actions of his.

Finally, she glanced up at him. "Is something bugging you?"

The truth was, he wasn't actually doing anything important. He pretended he was, but it was just busy work. He wasn't even making anything specific, even if it might have looked like he was. Random gadgets, nothing particularly useful. Though he did have a project in mind that might emulate his auto responder, but that was just in the planning stages now.

At her question, he closed his eyes behind his shades and fought back a sigh. He didn't want to just turn her away like an asshole, but he honestly didn't want to talk about shit. There wasn't even really anything to talk about- or at least he didn't think there was any way to go about it without sounding like a dumbass. Though... for the sake of appeasing her curiosity, he supposed he could be half honest with her.

"If you're asking because of the fact I've been scarce lately, it's because Valentine's isn't exactly my most favorite of holidays," he said after a few seconds, moving over so that he could sit on the edge of his bed.

Ah, now that was something. Slowly, Jane entered the room herself, and shut the door softly behind her. She hoped he wouldn't mind. After all, Dirk had been there for her when she needed someone, and it was only right to be there for him in return. Even if he was determined not to see anyone.

"Well it's certainly not mine, either, but that's no reason to be holed up in your room." She wanted to sit with him on the bed, but perhaps that would not be the right thing to do. She'd already shut the door, and if she was going to help, she didn't want to make Dirk feel obligated to be near anyone.

"I disagree," he said immediately. It was plenty of reason to be holed up in his room. What was there to do outside that wasn't related to Valentine's day? Nothing. He was pretty sure the castle was decorated obnoxiously or something. He didn't know for sure, seeing as he hadn't been out for a while. Wishing up food and water when he needed it was convenient.

He could sort of tell that she would like to sit, but she was right. He didn't really want her to sit by him- not because he was angry with her, but he was in the state of mind where he just generally didn't want to be close to anyone. It was especially bad with Jane because he just felt so... awkward. Not knowing what was what between the two of them. It made it difficult. He didn't know what to say or how to act around her.

"There's plenty of reason."

If only Dirk said more than he thought! Jane could tell him exactly what was going on for Valentine's Day, and that was nothing - at least, nothing yet. She had heard some mention of things happening in the past, but those things happened the day of, and not before. She would worry about it that day, not now, since she knew romance was out of the question.

Figuring that she might as well get comfortable, Jane leaned against the door. "Then name your reasons," She said, "Because I'm not quite sure what they could be." For him, anyway. She could think of plenty that would make her stay in her room, but to do that would leave her alone with her thoughts, and heaven knows how she didn't want to do that.

This time, he didn't hide the side that escaped from him at her words. She was being pushy today, and it was slightly annoying. If only because when it had been reversed, he hadn't pushed even when a part of him had wanted to. Then again, he couldn't really blame her for being pushy, could he? He was acting strange. It was only natural for her to want to know.

But just because he couldn't blame her didn't mean he couldn't still be annoyed, if only because he didn't know how to answer her question. Not without revealing... pretty much everything.

"It just all boils down to me feeling out of place," he said after a few seconds, not looking at her.

If Jane thought she was being pushy, she would stop, but she did not think it was pushy to want to know what was bothering a friend. And when you thought about it, feeling out of place around Valentine's Day, especially if you're someone who went out and got what they wanted instead of fucking everything up - someone like Dirk - was kind of silly.

"What for?" She asked, the words out of her mouth before she could think better of them. "For Valentine's Day? Dirk, you've - you've got somebody."

Only - perhaps, he didn't. Perhaps Jake got up the gumption to break it off like he wanted. If so, she could understand why Dirk might be hurting.

If there was one thing right then that could get him to look at her, it was that. He turned his face toward her so quickly that any normal person would have got a crick in their neck. But he was fine. He was more focused on what she'd just said, and all of a sudden it was like he'd finally got clarification. The one biggest thing he'd been wondering about this entire time was confirmed- or at least it seemed to be.

And with that realization came the annoyance, and instead of being happy about it, it just made him fucking angry. "That! That's why! I have no goddamn idea what's going on anymore, because everyone else is ahead of me in the timeline. I don't know what to do anymore because of it! So instead of doing anything about it, I've decided to just fucking not. Because at least then I don't go in blind and screw everything up."

There was no denying it, his voice sounded angry. Because he was angry. So fucking pissed off at the castle for leaving him so far behind. It was truly the most frustrating part about being in this place. And he didn't even have the luck yet to go into one of those stupid fucking comas and get up to speed on everything. No, he was still ignorant as fuck on everything.

"I haven't asked because every time it comes up, you look like a kicked puppy and I can't fucking handle it," he continued, "And I know I've done something to help cause it, I just don't know what the fuck that is because I don't know anything. I am sick to fucking death of not knowing what's going on!"

To say Jane expected Dirk to ever yell at her would be an outright lie. She never expected anyone to yell - she never expected to yell herself, until she reached those moments when it felt like her insides would burst if she didn't scream at something. She sat very still as Dirk started, her heart beating a mile a minute and her eyes quite wide. She was frightened! Who wouldn't be frightened to have a friend yelling at them?

But as his words sunk in, the fear changed into a sick kind of mixture of anger and regret. She hadn't said a word to him about what he could expect in the future, while he had extended her that courtesy when he arrived himself. That in itself wasn't the right thing for her to do. But was the desire to not hurt Dirk's feelings wrong? Was the common decency not to meddle in the relationships of other people wrong? Was - was having enough of the game and of drama wrong?

Well, fuck it, Jane thought, and she rose to her feet. If Dirk wanted to hear about it, by God he would, and far be it from her to cry about it on the floor like a child.

"You really want to know what's going on?" Jane asked. Her voice was close to breaking.

Dirk didn't mean to scare her, and on some level he felt bad as soon as his outburst was over. But most of all, he felt childish and stupid. He hadn't been able to stop himself, though. It had all built up at once, and even despite his outburst, he was still angry. So he wasn't in the right state of mind to really be able to apologize or feel as bad for it as he should have.

At her words though, his stomach twisted. Because there was no denying the fact that he was scared. He had no idea what to expect, and that scary considering how things seemed. Obviously they weren't good, and considering the fact that Jake was ahead of him and had made no romantic advances at all didn't leave him any hope. Unless he had interpreted Jane wrong- which he... didn't think was the case. He couldn't run from this, though. He had to face it, whatever it might be.

"Yes, I do," he said. "Please."

She should have paused to take a breath. Perhaps, if she had, she wouldn't have gotten as worked up as she did. But oh no, the gloves had come off.

"Well!" Jane threw her hands up. "Let me start off by saying congratulations - you won! You got Jake, and you've got five simply wonderful months of tomb raiding and goo-goo eyes and sloppy boy makeouts to look forward to!! And I should know!!! Jake told me all about it - he'd never shut up about it, and heaven forbid I ask him to change the subject!!!!"

There was a part of her that realized she was being cruel, and that she should calm down, but in truth, this had been building up inside of her for a long while. She had tried so very hard not to let it bother her since she woke up. It wasn't worth it, she told herself. It was worlds away. But it had settled in her heart where she'd shoved her feelings for Jake and had waited for when it could spring out.

"But then he'll start leaving you, and the rest of us, for really long periods of time, and maybe we'll hear from him once every few weeks!!!!! You'll reach out to him and he'll ignore your messages because he's too busy pestering ME, of ALL PEOPLE - not caring that he's been out of touch for so long or that he forgot my STUPID birthday - and he'll say, Jane, Jane, you know the five months of hell this game's put us through, and how I spent all that time being swept off my feet by the guy who decapitated himself to save our sorry asses??? Yeah, I'm gonna BREAK UP WITH HIM!!!!!!!! AND-"

And all the anger and hot feelings that Jane had felt, everything that had rushed to the surface, had been emptied from that one phrase. It was tangible in the air, and as her face fell, she wished she could take it back. It wasn't right for her to have said that.

"And-" Her voice was like squeaking, compared to before, and her hands clamped over her mouth, muffling her words. "-And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dirk. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry..."

The uneasiness and fear he felt wasn't something that would go away any time soon as he waited for her to actually speak. He knew he wouldn't like where this went- and his fears were confirmed at the way she said 'well' like that, throwing up her arms. It solidified into an icy chill that crept through him and settled in his stomach when she congratulated him on winning. Somehow, he didn't even need to hear the next part to know what she meant. There could be only one thing that she could possibly be talking about, after all.

Dirk couldn't even feel happy about it, not with the way she went on. He couldn't look at her anymore either, and he shifted his attention to the floor in front of him, his fists clenching the fabric of his bed's blanket, knuckles bone white as he squeezed it. As she kept going, he felt a number of emotions all rising to the surface and bubbling together; Anger, hurt, guilt... Those were the primary ones. But they were so mashed together that he just... was speechless.

And then she got to the last few parts. The parts involving Jake... breaking up with him. And he felt sick. For so many different reasons. Obviously he'd done something wrong, that was his first thought. Stupidly, he was more focused on that than he was the fact Jane was pointing all of this out angrily. He was trying to figure out where and how he'd went wrong, but it was impossible because he didn't know. Goddamn, he hated this so fucking much.

When she finally came to her senses and said she was sorry, he just... didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. The confusing mishmash of feelings he had felt were fading away and the only thing that was left was hurt and... self hatred. For causing all this in the first place. Because he knew it was his fault. Somehow, it was his fucking fault.

"I hope you feel better, at least."

After saying that, he let out something that sounded like a scoff, except far more bitter. "Because I feel like complete fucking shit." He stood up, because fuck sitting down. He had to move. He had nowhere to go, but he had to move. He couldn't just sit there feeling sorry for himself. At least if he was moving, she couldn't see him shaking. And he was, because this was too much. Too fucking much. He started pacing, trying to figure out what to say.

Now that he'd said that, the bitterness was starting to come back. Hurt bitterness- probably the worst kind, because it lead to saying things you wouldn't normally say, which Jane was the primary example of. At least for the moment. "It's so fuckin' good to hear that you're happy for me, though. Happy that I, against all odds, managed to win the guy of my dreams when I was clearly the inferior choice between the two of us."

He shook his head. "I lucked out those five months. Those five months in which I was apparently alienating you and making you hate me when all I was trying to do was fucking be happy." Dirk couldn't deny his selfishness there. But he couldn't help it either, not when Jake was... literally his only option, though he didn't think of it quite like that. He really liked Jake, and... god, he wanted him so damn bad. "But it doesn't matter. I've lost him before I even fucking had him, because even there I fucked it up."

His back was to her, his fists were clenched. "You should go for it now, then. We all know in the end you're the better option, so have at him. I'm not competition anymore- how I ever was in the first place is fucking beyond me."

Jane was determined not to cry, no matter how much she wanted to. She already felt awful. But to stand there and wait to hear what Dirk had to say was terrifying.

"I don't-" She started to say, but then Dirk continued, and she couldn't interrupt him even if she wanted to. Every single word cut to her core, and every cut stung worse than the pressure of her feelings had hurt. The bitterness, the sarcasm - but nothing hurt more than his final accusation because it wasn't true. Jane wasn't an option when it came to Jake - she wasn't even the smallest factor. She never stood a chance against Dirk when it came to this sort of thing.

Even if she did still care for Jake, even if she ever got the chance to be with him, there was part of her that knew it wouldn't be worth it. Not if he was just as much of an idiot, and especially not if it ruined her friendships. Although, on that front, it seemed that Jane was doing fine all by herself.

She took a deep breath, but it shook, and she tried to be still and composed with all she had. "That's not...no," Jane said, "No, I didn't mean it like that." Her legs wobbled, and she wished she had decided to stay on the floor instead of pretend to be strong. "I don't hate you - I never said anything because I knew you would be upset!!" Her voice cracked on the last word, and she felt hot tears in her eyes, but she wiped at them quickly and set her mouth in a firm line. There would be no crying from her.

He should have felt better after that, after getting everything out and exploding. Jane had, so why didn't he? Maybe it was because everything still hurt and he had way more to be angry at than Jane did- or at least he felt like he did. Either way, exploding hadn't helped and he wasn't in the right state of mind to be able to forgive Jane, or even believe anything she said. He certainly didn't believe her when she said she didn't hate him. It didn't sound like it from his point of view.

"So instead," he said, finally turning his attention to her, his voice quivering slightly, and god he hated that it did. "You bottled it all up and proceeded to dump it all on me at the most inopportune time, in the most hostile way you possibly could? Why? How is that possibly the best path to take?" He just didn't understand it. Why Jane was being like that. He couldn't deny that she had reason to be angry, but... like this? And to treat him the way she had? It hurt.

"Is it because you think I'm a robot who doesn't have feelings? That I can just take everything you said and be fucking alright with it and bounce back because that's what you've come to expect out of me?" If that was what Jane expected, then she was wrong. But honestly, he only had himself to blame if that was her perception of him. It was the kind of thing he wanted people to see, anyway. It was apparently coming back and biting him in the ass. "News flash though, it fucking hurts." He turned away from her again, swallowing hard. "I'm not blameless in this and I'm not fucking claiming to be, but considering I have no fucking clue what my thought processes were back home, I can't exactly apologize for my part in this. So I guess I have nothing more to say to you right now."

What Dirk said - had he listened to her at all? She felt angry again, angry that he would disregard her words, but she didn't respond right away, no matter how badly she wanted to shake Dirk and call him an idiot. She stood, and she breathed, and she thought hard about what he said, scrubbing at her eyes more and more frequently.

She didn't want to lose him as a friend over this. That much she knew. Long after he had said his piece, she began hers.

"I'm sorry," Jane said, "I am sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry - but I'm an idiot. I get mad, and I yell!" She flinched at her own voice, and took a breath before she spoke again. "I get mad. And I just. I can't help it. Home...drove me crazy. Everything is dead and everyone drifted apart. I didn't want to bring any of that here." She made sure to look Dirk in the eye. "And I never wanted to hurt your feelings. When I heard from you once I came to, I was panicking!" She wanted to laugh. It was funny, in such a bitter way, that by trying to avoid the subject she'd only made things worse. "I never assumed you were a robot, Dirk, and I can't blame you for what you'll do in the future even if I did know what you were thinking. I'm not even angry at you. I'm just stupid, and...a pretty shitty friend."

She should leave. He didn't want her around, right? She should go - that's what Jane told herself, but she couldn't bring herself to reach back and take the doorknob.

Dirk didn't know what to say. He just honestly didn't, because even after she finished speaking he was still angry. It wasn't even really all directed at her, honestly. It was just anger. At himself, at the castle. It felt like the castle had ruined everything; he'd had everything worked out before. And then it had brought him here and then suddenly the puppetmaster was the one getting played. That was probably one of the things he hated most about being here; the feeling of being completely and utterly powerless. And then there was the fact that behind the anger was hurt. Because of the fact he'd lost Jake before even getting him, hurt because of the fact that Jane had blown up at him over this...

But at the same time, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that he couldn't really blame her for not telling him. He knew that much. Because Dirk knew he'd made himself unapproachable. Who could honestly talk to him about anything? It was one thing, when it came to talking about sburb shit, but when it came to this kind of thing? Feelings? Could he honestly blame her for being afraid to talk to him about it?

If he were honest with himself, no. It was his own fault that Jane didn't talk to him. But knowing that and being able to do anything about it was two different things. Especially because he was still upset. Even still though, he... knew that he didn't want things to leave off like this. No matter how much he was upset with her, he valued Jane's friendship too goddamn much to just let it end like this. But he didn't know what to do or how to fix it, because his own feelings were still getting in the way of everything.

He was quiet for a long time, still not looking at her. Still shaking, his chest tight. He hated to admit it, but he felt like crying too. Fuck feelings, if he really could be a robot it would be so much better than this. At least then he wouldn't have to deal with anything. "You were never a shitty friend until now," he said finally. It was brutal honesty, admitting the fact that yeah... he considered her shitty right now. "I never expected anything like this from you."

Even as he spoke, he felt guilty. Because he was blaming her for things that were partly his fault, and he shouldn't be. "But... I was wrong. I can apologize for at least one thing. The fact that you felt like you were afraid to talk to me about it." He finally forced himself to look at her. "That's my fault. I haven't exactly made myself approachable, have I? For that I'm sorry, because it leads to shit like this."

And he hated shit like this. More than anything. Fighting with Jane... that was almost unbearable. He considered her one of the best friends he ever had. She was on a different level than Roxy and Jake. Jane knew when to cut shit out and act serious, and for that he really admired her. He felt like they were on the same maturity level more often than not. So for this to be happening... it really fucking sucked. "I don't want to fucking fight with you anymore, but I can't just... forget what you said. And then there's this stupid fuckin' competition thing..."

The one that he liked to pretend wasn't there. The one that was obviously starting to come between them. The one that probably wasn't even there now, considering he had apparently lost. So maybe it wasn't even a competition anymore, even if it had been at one point. But at the same time, he couldn't just forget it. Because... from his point of view, he still hadn't even made his move yet. How could he just forget? The feelings were still there. He couldn't just pretend that they weren't, and that it didn't hurt more than anything to know that he'd apparently lost.

Maybe he was stubborn, though. Somewhere in his mind he knew that he should've just given up instead of holding on to the delusion that maybe somehow he could fix it and win. He shouldn't have wanted to win, when it was clearly coming between him and Jane. But he couldn't fucking help it. A stupid part of him saw her as competition, and he couldn't just erase that. Especially not now, when the stubborn part of him still wanted to find some way to win.

"I don't know what to do about it," he finally admitted, and his voice was quiet as he stared at her from behind his shades. "Because it's obvious we both like him." For the first time in his life, he was admitting it to her, and he was scared. Because he'd known she liked him too, and he was too afraid to ever talk to her about it. Because it was obvious if it came down to it, she would win. That was why he felt like it was a competition. "And I don't know how to fuckin' deal with this."

That alone was hard to admit, because he was always used to being the one to have a plan for something. He never had to ask for advice from anyone else. Let alone about this, of all things, to the person he was fighting for Jake's attention, too. It felt stupid. He felt stupid. This whole fucking thing was stupid and he wished it could just stop being a thing. But it wouldn't be, not until the two of them talked it through. And fuck if he was going to let Jane go now, without talking about it. As much as he wanted to just shut himself off from it, he knew they had to deal with it now. The can of worms had been open, and they were going fishing.

Jane never wanted to go fishing in the first place – but, there you go. Might as well, if the worms are out.

When she heard what Dirk first had to say, she really did almost laugh. Not until now? As she stood there regretting every word she said, Jane realized something. This was a pattern with her. Every bottled up feeling would fizz out in an explosion every time someone shook her just a bit too much, and usually she would run away afterwards, feeling sour and regretful. Knowing that you probably hurt someone you cared about, however, was different than actually seeing them in pain and having to explain yourself. And the fact that he ‘never expected’ anything like this out of her? It stung, because Dirk was…he was the kind of friend that you can never quite forget. He was leagues smarter and cleverer than Jane, and just better at things all around. He could say exactly what he meant in whatever terms he wished, and he didn’t even let death stop him. But never had he treated Jane like she couldn’t keep up, and she appreciated that he gave her that kind of respect. Not that she’d earned it, or deserved it now.

And how could he say they were ever competing? How could she even be worthy of being in any sort of running if he was the challenger? He had won before she even began.

Jane let out a tired breath when he finished. He wanted to talk, it seemed, and she would oblige no matter how much she wanted to run. There was a problem here, and they had to fix it. “Yeah. I guess we do both…like him.” She sniffed, and wiped her eyes one more time. “But I – I don’t want to, anymore. It makes me so mad.” Her feelings were building up as pressure inside her chest again, but she didn’t want to yell, the last thing she wanted to do was yell so she pushed them down as hard as she could. “That’s what I’m mad about the most. I’m mad at Jake. I’m mad at him for being a dingbat about me, and about you, and about everything.” Not that he could probably help it, Jane thought, and unfortunately, for some reason, it was infuriatingly endearing. “So I, I don’t know how to deal with this either. I don’t know.”

It was probably a good thing that he couldn't read minds. If he knew what a high pedestal Jane had him on, it probably would have had him even more frustrated. Not at her, but at himself. But again, he was only getting what he had apparently wanted, to be seen as an infallible badass who was superior to everyone. That was clearly not how friendships were supposed to work, as evidenced by how it was just helping this train wreck to be even worse than what it already was.

So yeah. It was a good thing, because he didn't need anymore reason to be frustrated. Especially when the fact that he was so far behind in the timeline was once again becoming that much more apparent when Jane spoke. But he drew in a breath and tried not to let it get to him too much. That would not be conducive to actually discussing this and trying to figure something out. It was clearly going to be hard to figure out something though, because if Jane didn't know what to do, then they were screwed. Or at least that's how it felt.

He took a few steps forward until he was a little less than a foot from Jane, and then sat down in front of her. If they were going to talk, then... Well, it would be a good idea if they were closer. It would help keep things civil- or at least he hoped it would. It was easier to keep calm when he was closer to her, anyway. Because seeing her more closely, how upset she looked, it helped put things into perspective. She was his friend, and he cared about her a whole lot. They had to get through this. He couldn't lose her.

"I need you to tell me more," he said. "What all he's done to upset you. What he's done that's so bad. Apart from talking to you about..." He didn't want to say 'us', because from his point of view, there wasn't a them. They were nothing but friends, and it was painful to think about the fact he hadn't had the opportunity to have that. "Things. I need to know more."

Jane almost shrunk back when Dirk began to approach. Almost. Because as much as she knew she had done him wrong, and he had all the reason to be angry at her, he hadn't - hadn't yelled, that was important. Yelling wouldn't get them anywhere. Slowly, almost afraid she would fall, Jane sat down as well, and rested her back against the door. The raw experience of feeling took a lot out of a person, and she couldn't hide her exhaustion.

Dirk wanted to talk. That was good. Talking could clear the air, at least.

"Where should I start?" Jane asked, and she tried to take a deep breath to calm herself.

Where should she start? Man, he... honestly had no idea where a good spot would even be. It seemed like it was all just one giant clusterfuck. Then again, maybe there was no better place to start than the beginning. "I guess... start from where everything started going downhill," he said after a few moments of though. "When you started holding all this resentment in."

When she started holding it in...Jane knew the exact moment. She lowered her gaze to her lap.

"I guess...before we started the game," She said, "I was on my Dad's computer, and Roxy-"

Oh, she did not like where this was going already. This whole mess wasn't anyone's fault but her own, and now she was dragging Roxy into it? But it's how things went, and there was no point in lying or avoiding it, not when Dirk certainly wouldn't take silence for an answer. Jane swallowed, and began again.

"Roxy said I should...tell Jake how I felt about him. That you were going to make your move, and I might never have a chance. So I tried, and - and I couldn't even tell him the truth even when he asked me outright. All I could do was dig myself into a deeper hole, and hate myself for it. And maybe I hated him a little bit for being so dense, but that's my fault too."

To think about how humiliating it had been that day, as she had ground her teeth and berated herself for being an absolute moron, made her hurt inside, but this had definitely been where it all started. None of this had ever crossed her mind before then - and she was trying so hard not to yell.

Dirk listened to her quietly, and as he did he... didn't know how to feel. Roxy had encouraged Jane to go for Jake when she'd known that he was into Jake, too? It felt... borderline backstabby. But he didn't really feel angry at Roxy. Considering she had three best friends to juggle, it made sense that she would try and please all of them if she could. But that didn't make it any less frustrating. Oh well, he had more important things to focus on.

"I didn't know it went that far back," he finally confessed. "I mean, I knew..." He stopped, shifting slightly, looking away, "I knew you had feelings for him, but I didn't know you resented me for it back then, too." The truth was, he never resented Jane for her feelings towards Jake. It was weird in that you would have thought he would, but he just... didn't. It was more like he just sort of pretended they weren't a thing.

"Keep going, if you don't mind."

Dirk's comment stung, and Jane took in a sharp breath when she heard it. She didn't resent him for liking Jake - couldn't, really. When Roxy had first let Dirk's intentions slip, she hadn't had the time to stew over something like that. Her mind was more focused on thinking about Jake - wondering if he would actually reciprocate Dirk's feelings, and worrying about what to say to him. And then, in the game, there were other things to worry about, absurd troll clowns and nigh unbeatable skeleton monsters nonwithstanding. If she had any resentment, it was towards herself for her fear and towards Jake for his obliviousness.

She took another breath, and she wanted to say all this, but her tongue felt thick and her throat was tight. Jane sniffed, and brought a hand up to rest her forehead in her palm. She couldn't just sit here and not say anything.

"I got, um. What is it called? 'Friend-zoned', I guess?" It certainly wasn't a term that reflected well on her, but that is what it had felt like, to be constantly reminded of how good a friend she was when she wasn't, she was an awful friend and an awful person who couldn't even be honest about her feelings. "And Jake just...dumped every little thought and detail about those five months on me because of it. And I sat there, and I took it. He - he rarely ever asked after Roxy and I, once we all began splitting up to play the game. He just kept on rambling about you, and adventure, and his Grandma, and I just...couldn't keep smiling and nodding. I couldn't."

Her words came in a rush now, a little high and stressed from the tightness she felt, but she wasn't yelling. She wouldn't let herself yell. "And it was almost my birthday - I made my own cake and Roxy and I made party hats for everyone and I thought, if everyone could be together, and smile, and have fun, even if it was just us and the sprites and Roxy's chess people, things would get better. I wouldn't feel horrible, and Jake wouldn't run off without a word, and - and I don't even know what you're really up to in the future, I only know what I hear from Jake." There were tears in her eyes again, and she rubbed furiously at them. "And he completely forgot. He forgot and he just...apologized and moved on. He wouldn't even listen to how I felt about it."

Breaking up with you was too important, she wanted to say, but she bit her tongue. She had already dug a spectacular hole for herself, and she didn't need to go any deeper.

Dirk hadn't really meant for it to sting, but he wasn't trying to filter himself, either. The words were coming how they came, and for someone who was usually pretty blunt under normal circumstances, it was probably worse now with his heightened emotions. He was getting so many mixed messages that it made it hard to really get a sense just how Jane felt. She'd yelled, said things that made him feel like shit, and then denied the fact she resented him? The longer this went on, the worse the whiplash became, but he was trying to be patient and not let his feelings get the better of him.

As she went on, one thing was certain. He couldn't deny that Jake had handled it badly. Jake wasn't exactly known for his tact or his brains, and Dirk had no trouble believing the things that Jane said. That didn't change the fact that he was still upset though, for a multitude of reasons. Partly at himself, because having it all laid out for him, he couldn't understand his thought processes behind everything, specifically the party. He couldn't fathom why he had decided to skip out on her party.

He wasn't to blame for everything else, though. At least... not from his current perspective. It seemed clear that he hadn't known just how upset Jane had been about everything, and this was a two-way street. Dirk couldn't have known how Jane was feeling, and she hadn't ever told him any of this stuff. So how was he supposed to know? And yet she had blamed it all on him and yelled at him for it. That wasn't fucking cool, in his opinion. Not at all. If she had confided in him, things would probably have turned out differently. He could have done something- what, he didn't know. But something.

"And you never once thought to talk to me about it?" he asked, his voice getting more of an edge to it, as the feelings of hurt started coming back to him at the thought. "I wouldn't have pushed you away. I wouldn't have been upset. I don't exactly know what I would have done, considering I still don't know all of what I was thinking during all of that, but I know myself well enough to know it probably would have turned out so much better if you hadn't withheld everything!" He clenched his fists again, because once more he was getting worked up. "I'm not responsible for Jake's actions and you can't hold them against me- and you can't fucking tell me that you haven't held it against me, because if you didn't, it would not have been ME you exploded at. It would be him!"

Dirk thought he had been over the most of his feelings, that he was calming down, but apparently he was far more bitter about it than he had initially thought, now that he was hearing the whole story from start to finish. "I'll tell you what though, I'm responsible for my own actions. But you never gave me the opportunity to do anything. I clearly didn't know how you were feeling, because you never stopped and said 'Hey Dirk, this is what's up.' And why, because you were afraid of hurting my feelings? Really? Because it sounds like you were just scared to face the fucking situation itself!"

He was being harsh. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth regardless.

"I already did!"

The shout had come out before Jane could catch herself, and she had been seeing red the longer Dirk had talked. There was a little bit of her that agreed with him, that knew she had been scared, so very frightened of something like this. This kind of thing was what broke friends apart, and what she was doing too - didn't that widen the ravine? She was wrong.

The rest of her, at least for now, would vehemently deny that.

"I've screamed at him at home and been nasty to him here the one time I talked to him!" She continued, "I even got angry at Roxy - and no, she doesn't know about that either! I guess I'm just awful all around, huh?!?"

Thinking back on that day, perhaps the only person who actually deserved her anger was Calliope's brother, but he was miles away from this conversation.

"Maybe you wouldn't have to fuckin' scream at people if you would just talk to them before it got that bad!" he shouted, and then he was on his feet, because god fucking damn it, he couldn't just sit still when he was this on edge. He'd thought they had both calmed down, but apparently not, and apparently they were both too goddamn angry to get it settled right now. He himself wasn't in the right frame of mind anymore to try and fix it, not when he felt like he was being blamed for Jane's problems.

"But instead you bottle it up and then take it out on the people who're supposed to be your friends!" He turned away, stalking over to his bed, kicking aside stray robot parts. He caught sight of Anna in the corner and he had the sudden urge to chuck her out of a window, but he resisted that particular urge, because he knew it would be really fucking childish of him. "Which you just fucking admitted to, and then did for a second god damn time, and now you're throwing a pity party. You want me to agree that you're an awful friend, don't you?"

Well he wasn't. For so many reasons. And before he could stop himself, he said the biggest reason that was currently in his mind.

"But I'm not, because I don't even fuckin' know if I can call you a friend anymore."

His voice came out quiet, a slight quiver, and it sounded sad at that. Sad, angry, hurt. Dirk didn't want it to come to that, but what the fuck was it supposed to come to if she was going to keep acting like she was? Blaming him, yelling at him for stuff he wasn't responsible for- if she was yelling at him for the things he was responsible for, it would be one thing. But she was yelling at him for things that Jake had done. Things he had been oblivious to. It just wasn't fucking fair.

He hated it so fucking much.

There it was - the final nail in the friendship coffin, and Jane had the honor of hammering it in herself. She felt all of the anger and denial rush out of her again, and in its place rushed in an all-consuming self loathing that nearly choked her. On shaky legs she stood, and groped for the doorknob.

"...Fine," Jane said. Her voice was defeated, and the word hung like a half-deflated balloon struggling to stay afloat. "I'll just leave you, then." Because that's what he wanted, right? Her out of his life and far away where her feelings couldn't bother him or anyone else. She would leave the castle of course - leave her room and talk to people and smile, but tonight would stick in her mind and demand a change. Even now, it was obvious she had done wrong, and it would take more than an apology to make it right. She turned the knob and the door smoothly. She took a step back into the hallway and gave Dirk a brief glance.

It was hard to believe him - not because of who he was, but because Jane couldn't stomach the idea of really losing a friend.

And all this for want of a cake.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Maybe We Don't Need Anyone (As More Than Friends)

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I think you win the award for most heart-wrenching tag in the post

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